Filling Holes.

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holes[The reason I'm posting this is because I hope this can attempt to explain why I might be a little "unavailable" for a bit of time, why I'm not in Southern California right now laughing it up with @loswhit at Catalyst West, why I'm not answering many phone calls, and why I'm not on Twitter with my usual chatter... although a number of queued up posts will be auto-firing some tweets now and then... Apologies in advance... I'll get to all of them as I can.]

Yesterday began pretty much “business as usual” with an early start, a robust darkly-brewed coffee, and a nice morning “find” (found the last chocolate doughnut in the pantry…!) that kicked it off pretty well.

After getting to the office I knocked out a few emails and I was feeling great. It all went a little downhill from there.

My wife had a scheduled doctor’s appointment with our OB/GYN in the morning and it was essentially a routine checkup about her pregnancy. For those that didn’t know my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child that we had been anticipating for a while.

I say was because that is no longer the case.

Before noon (I can’t really remember the timing of it all) I received a phone call from my wife who, with a quivering voice, relayed to me perhaps the worst news that I have ever personally received:

There’s no heartbeat John.

I’m not sure if I can describe the particular emotion that I felt but it was unlike anything I have experienced.

After hanging up the phone because she had to discuss with our doctor about “next steps” I sat there in silence.

I knew it was coming.

A brief moment of clarity gave me enough wisdom to attempt to find a room in which I could “just let go” and not disturb those around me.

I got up and ran to the other side of the building. I’m not sure what I was looking for but I didn’t find it immediately. I kept going.

I happened to stumble into Tim’s office, mumble something to the effect of “You got a sec…?” I paused, dropped an F-Bomb as I fumbled to find a chair, and proceeded to weep so hard that I began to bleed all over the office, chair, floor, and Tim.

I hope that blood-stain comes off those jeans bro… those looked expensive.

I’m not exactly sure what occured next and in what order but I remember some of my senior executive staff come and pray for me. Dan, Bob, Bill, Rick… you guys are the best.

The rest is just a blur.

It’s only been 24 hours but it seems like eternity.

I feel like there is this great big hole is in my heart and I’m not sure how to fill it, but it definitely feels empty and I want it to be filled so badly because it hurts so much.

Pray for my family, my wife, my daughter, and the surgery this Friday. I’ll see you guys on the flip-side.

134 thoughts on “Filling Holes.”

  3. John, words of comfort can seem so trite, but my prayer is that you and your lovely family find great comfort in Jesus who knows your pain and loss and is himself the Great Physician who will heal the pain and fill the hole of loss. You are in my prayers, your wife particularly, especially Friday.

  5. I've been in your shoes. We lost our second child mid-term. I'm praying for you and your wife right now, praying that the God of comfort will comfort you during this time.

  14. Dude, I'm praying for you right now, and will continue to do so. Grace, strength and peace to you and your family my brother, in Jesus's name.

  15. John, I am so sorry to hear about this. I had a co-worker experience a similar situation a couple months ago and it wrecked them and all of us. I am praying for you and your wife while you grief this loss. I can't imagine anything more difficult. Thank you for your transparency in sharing. Take your time and know that we will be here when you are ready to enter back into the internet world.

  19. I don't know you personally, found you through Carlos. My wife and I were right there a few years ago with our first child. We will be praying for you and your family!

  20. I feel you. 3 weeks ago we lost ours after only 9 weeks. It slowly goes by but we where surrounded by Love in those that God put around us. I will pray for y’all and for your loss. God Bless your family.

  21. Having been there myself, I will pray in earnest for comfort for you and your wife.

    Father God in this time, your will and plan are sometimes forgien to us. Keep John and his wife close to you as they process through this trying time. It is you who will bring comfort in the pain, and you who will be joy to the sorrow. Father God, love on them like no other can. In the name of your precious Son. Jesus the Christ. AMEN

  22. oh my word *sucks in breath*. I don't want to write I'm sorry because it doesn't even feel sufficient enough although it's a huge heart-felt emotion that I have for you & your wife right now. I pray that God sends you peace, comfort & strength.

  29. Praying. As I am reading this "Everlasting God" by New Life Worship is playing on my computer.
    I pray that this hole will be filled with His Holy Spirit. I know it will because He never changes.

  33. I am so sorry to hear that. I got chills (and teary eyed) just reading it. I can't imagine the heartache you all must feel.

  36. Not a religious man by any means, so prayer is not in my nature, but as an expecting father who fears such news, I can understand your pain. I hope whatever whatever positive energy I exude finds it's way to your family's good fortune.

  39. John,
    My heart and prayers go out to ya! We've been through the same — twice — and it is definitely heart- and gut-wrenching… i'm tearing up right now trying to compose myself as I empathize w/ you and your family.

    Grace and Peace, bro.

  40. John, stopping to pray for you and your family right now. Only wishing I could be there to give you a hug and let you bleed all over me as much as you needed to.

  43. Dude…no worries, the blood came out. Glad you found me. You can bleed on me anytime. Praying for you.

  44. I am glad you work in a place where senior staff will come and pray for you. May God strengthen you and your wife, and heal you both. And may He bless you fully.

  46. You are in our prayers. Whether any of us have been through this personally, with family or close friends its you that is in this situation now and we just need pray for healing.

  49. John:
    Those exact words, "there is no heartbeat" rang in my ears a few years earlier and I had to choke back the tears as I read your sad news. I am so sorry to hear this. The hole in your heart is gaping and sudden.

    I will be praying for you to sense God's presence. He is a strong tower to run to & you don't need to worry about ruining His jeans with your tears, or crying to loudly.

    Hang in there.

  56. I am so sorry that your family is going through this. We will be praying for y'all. May you find peace, strength, and courage from our great Father.

  58. wow, bro. my wife and i will be praying for you guys.

    a couple in our small group and a teacher my wife teaches with have both had this happen, so as much as i sympathize with you i still can’t say i know how it feels.

    very sorry bro

  59. I am saddened for you and your family over this loss. I can't sympathize, because I have never been in your shoes. I can understand though that you are hurting. But remember that there was a reason for this.

    It is the will of God and Nature that these mortal bodies be laid aside, when the soul is to enter into real life; 'tis rather an embryo state, a preparation for living; a man is not completely born until he be dead: Why then should we grieve that a new child is born among the immortals?

  60. Some holes never get completely filled but still manage to serve a purpose. Thank you for being my friend.

    Chris

  66. I'm praying for you …hard. Paul and I went through this in October 2007. Asking God to carry you through the next few days.

    The hole is to be expected. Eventually you don't notice it so much. But it will always be there in some form or another.

  69. I know I just talked to you on the phone, but I'm thankful that you know God is sovereign, and is in control. I pray that He wraps His arms around you and your family during this time, and draws near to you all!

    Can't wait to see you next man!

  70. John,
    So very sorry to hear this sad news. Your reactions all seem par for the course. There is nothing anyone can say at this time that will be consoling, but seek out the presence of trusted friends and family and allow them to care for you. You need their support right now and they are the ones that God has placed you with for just such a time as this. My wife and I have gone through this too. email me later if you think it might be helpful.

    I'm praying for you,
    Peter

  73. John…My family is praying for you. We went through a similar situation a few years ago. It was devastating, confusing, and painful. I'm here if you need me.

  74. You have my thoughts and prayers John
    It doesn't seem like those words are enough, but I know the one who I'm speaking them to is.

  76. So Sorry.

    Father God, be with John and his family in their time of loss. Comfort them and give them peace. Fill their emptyness with Your Holy presence and grace. Protect their spirits and minds and guard them.

  77. You don't know me, I don't know you, but please know that I read your story and am praying for you and your family

  78. My heart goes out to you and your family and I pray that God will guide you through the process of repairing the holes created in yours.

  81. John, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I know what you are going through because it happened to us twice. No one really understand and knows the pain until they have walked that road. Father's cry too! Thanks for opening your heart and letting us see the bruises. Bless you, dude. Praying for you.

    • Also, the Williams family will be lifting up your wife in prayer, asking God to heal her body and heart. We will be praying for your daughter as well.

  82. I don't even know you… but my stomach dropped when I read your heart. Looks like you have a lot of people who care about you. No sufficient words.

  83. I can't even imagine, John. But, one thing I do know…you & your family are being prayed for and none of this took God by surprise. One day, you will be used by Him to help comfort someone else going through this just as some of the peoplewho have already been through this in the posts above are, I'm sure, a comfort to you. God will never leave you or forsake you. He will never give you more than you can handle. In your grief, I pray that you find the strength to praise Him.

  84. John,

    I just saw this post on Twitter, and my heart sank. My husband and I experienced this scenario just over 6 months ago. It all came back to me when I read your post. I know the pain is so intense, and the shock is overwhelming. The emptiness and the sadness are threatening to take your sanity. For us, it was the worst news we had ever received too. My husband received the call from me. We will be praying for you as you heal through this horrible process. Blogging helped me, and reading about others in our shoes. Your sadness is tangible, and I pray in earnest for you and your family during your grief.

  85. Crying and grieving with you. I am so sorry, John. May the comfort that only the Holy Spirit can provide surround you, Sue, Roenne, and the whole family.

  92. Oh, John. My heart cries out for you and Sue. I love you guys and will be thinking and praying for you during this time. God is a great big God and he holds us in His hands. Let me know if you need anything.

  93. John,
    Know you and your wife are in our prayers tonite. We also lost two children early term, so we know some of what you feel. I am praying that the loving arms of our Heavenly Father will wrap around you both and sustain you through these days.

  95. Praying for you, I remember the mourning when my mom lost a child when I was six years old. It still hurts some 19 years later. All I can say is time and God. Hold on to God, hold on to your wife, and don't forget your little one they need to mourn too. God will provide……

  98. Dude,i don't cry much(except for sporting events/movies)but this got my goat. Sorry to hear about that,bro. We will be praying for you and Sue + Roenne.

  100. John. I'm so sorry my friend.
    We've never met, (as most of us on here haven't yet) but I can assure you the prayers and heartache are rippling across the world for you and your family.

    Take time to hurt.
    Take time to heal.

    We love you guys and are supporting you.

  103. John… I'm so sorry. No words can express my heart for you right now. I DM'd you a message earlier today but I'm sure you won't get it for a bit. Just know you guys are not alone in this. My husband and I, went through this a few times ourselves… and unfortunately it's something you NEVER get over… EVER. But as the days pass, you see the children more for who they are. You love them more than knowing the other side… and thank God even more for them.

    Praying for you… FERVENTLY!

  108. John,
    I was in an all-day mentoring session yesterday so I missed this entire thing – just saw a tweet about praying for your family, and came here. Man, I'm so sorry, will pray for you and your wife and child.

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  111. My wife and I have been there twice. We lost the heartbeat for one of the twins my wife was carrying during the last pregancy. We will pray for you.

  114. Handle your business. Your blog will be here when you get back. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

  121. I can only say I will pray unceasingly for His grace and mercy to overshadow the sorrow you feel. I expect God to answer the prayer, b

  122. I'm sorry, My laptop keyboard is weirding out. to finish: I expect God to answer the prayer, but know that you will never be removed from my prayer list.

  124. John….i'm so sorry to hear about what happened. My heart is crushed. I'm lifting your whole family up:
    "Father in heaven. I ask that you would give them a peace which surpasses all understanding. May you surround them, even now, with your arms of love…and Father, I look forward with my brother, John and his family, to that day in which they'll be no more goodbyes, to that day when we'll be reunited with all of our loves ones. Keep us faithful until that day comes. In the name of JEsus we ask. Amen."

  126. John, you and your family are in my prayers. I've been there. I know that "empty" feeling.

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  128. John, happened to me, too. Third child, not second. Just know that our love and prayers surround you.

  129. Bro, I just got back from a few days out of town and heard the news. I'm praying deep for you and your family. Cryin' with ya….so glad to know that there is another with our Lord, though, who is rejoicing as we speak!

  130. Bro, I just got back from a few days out of town and heard the news. I'm praying deep for you and your family. Cryin' with ya….humbled, however, to know that there is another with our Lord, though, who is rejoicing as we speak!

  132. I'm sorry about your loss. I stumbled upon your page somehow. I am an OB/GYN high risk nurse ironically. If it any comfort to you, I have often taken care of patients and their families in similar situations. I hope that you find the comfort you need at this time to lessen the pain. I will say a prayer for you, your wife and your family. Heaven has gained a beautiful Angel, and I pray that the emptiness you feel is filled with God's love.
    -Pamela

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