12 Years: Steady State

Today is my 12th anniversary with my best friend. I find her even more cool than when I first met her (and she was pretty darn cool then!).

Life really got started when I met Sue. We were walking our way through college and had only begun to understand what it meant to be an adult (still haven’t quite figured this out).

As I look back on the last 12 years of marriage (and then 2+ years of dating and courtship and being engaged) my first thought is how secure we are with each other and how we have really become the best of friends.

It’s not that we weren’t good friends back then and, for all intents and purposes, we would have easily told others that we were “best friends” – but we had just begun to understand what that really meant.

A best friend “defaults’ to a lot of things that are relatively unnatural and not easy to learn… things like believing in the best and defaulting to trust instead of be suspicious.

We believe this for them and we also believe that they hold the same thing to be true for ourselves, reflexively. And there’s safety in this space and a sense of peace and tranquility that is just lovely.

And when it’s disrupted, in any way, shape, or form, you immediately want to return to it. This is why the the amount of time that we might stay mad at each other is so much smaller than what it used to be.

You see, when you’re out of sync with your best friend it is just a terrible feeling. Consequently, you’ll do whatever it takes to move back to state of equilibrium. If this means swallowing one’s pride and legitimately apologizing then you’ll do it and you won’t waste any time doing it too.

As I’ve thought about this past year of growth as a couple I feel like we’ve arrived at a few steady states that feel unshakeable. This is not to say that they are, in fact, unshakeable, but we’re happy with the progress  and we feel that this enables us to live fully in our current circumstances.

Life’s not perfect but we make what we have together definitively great. And we’re excited about the unknown future because our foundation is more solid than its ever been.

You see, when you have a firm foundation it allows you to take greater risks, be more courageous with your decision making, and walk with more confidence than you thought possible.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. Right now, life is really, really big and it’s all because of my partner and best friend.


Also published on Medium.