This post is part of Project: Inception, written ~8 years ago. It has been untouched from its original, pseudonymous, form. It is also part of the larger “farewell” tour and countdown as I turn-off this blog and head to the metaverse where I will live out the rest of my wonderful days. I hope to see you there!
Go All In
Going all in starts by removing everything else that is tempting to hold me back from fully embracing this new reality. Isn’t this much of life though?
As we move forward with our very lives into very promising futures and new realities we are often times held back by the past or by things that would try to keep us down, things that might literally weigh upon our conscience and forbid us of taking hold of a much better and more brighter future.
In many ways I feel that the past 30 years without a diagnosis has been both a blessing and a curse – I’m quite thankful for all the experiences that I had, both the good and the bad, and I have very little regret, if any, for how I understood and perceived the world, albeit incomplete.
And now, with this life-changing piece of information I want desperately to grab hold of it and move strongly forward and yet there are parts that desperately cling daring me to let go. It’s as if these parts of my being and sub-conscious have been such a large part of my life that to give them up would be tantamount suicide. It feels like that at times.
In many ways I’m going through a period of grieving – I’m grieving the parts that have traveled with me for so long that were not completely true. I’m grieving because they were such an intimate part of who I was that it’s hard to even recognize myself without them. It’s hard to look back and now see, with a crystal clear perspective, how I may have been so wrong.
I do not blame myself nor do I blame anyone else. I choose instead to simply go all in. To embrace fully this new reality and instead of making half-baked attempts at creating a new life I’m going to jump into the mix fully, even if it is somewhat of a mess. There is no point in turning back and no point in taking it “easy” or taking a gradual approach. My eyes are opened and they cannot be shut to the truth.
As a result, I’m shedding everything that would seek to encumber me – things like projects, interests, and even relationships that distract me from fully engaging with the next 30 years of life that I will hopefully experience. I have limited time, limited resources, and very limited attention already – I need to focus as if my life depended on it. There’s no point in not going 100%.
Much of life is like this. Much of our world is like this as well. We are plagued by mediocrity. We have mediocre students who become mediocre employees and who work for mediocre businesses. It’s because we have been told that going all-in isn’t worth it, it’s too risky, it’s better to save some for later, a little bit of self-preservation and for our own survival perhaps.
I have found this ideology a bit confusing as I’ve never been able to go half-in and half-out. I’m either for it or against it. I’m either going to embrace it fully or reject it as if it never existed. For my fight today it’s vitally important as I can either accept this new reality as one who is autistic or reject the my very own identity. There’s really only one true choice, right?
For aspies we can do no other. We must move strongly forward with everything that we are and begin the process (and it may be a very long process) to learn to love ourselves. We are not alone in this journey as there are many others that are right along side of us. In addition, it’s not just autistics that seek this peace within their very own spirit – NTs are right there with us as well.
As I’ve discussed this in depth with my spouse, who is very much not like me, the same fears and doubts and anxieties exist in her as well. The desire to belong, to be known, to have purpose, to be loved and to feel deep connection. All these start with us, with me, with you. All of these things require us to necessarily go all-in, and to love ourselves through the journey, come what may.
We may discover very difficult truths, as I have already, but let’s not be shy about it – let’s face it head-on. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’m ready for the journey to continue and I’m nervously-excited every waking day as another truth and reality is revealed to me in full. I feel like I’ve been living in a slightly opaque glass house where life has been slightly distorted or transfigured. Now, the walls have been shattered and the light streams in – it’s bright and it hurts, but the burn is warm and it feels like home.