All Your Plan

Today was pretty good I suppose…  It was long, as usual.  I really haven’t had any true R&R.  I would really like to spend an entire day just in my bed, reading or something, instead of traveling around and visiting people.  But, that’s what the iternerary has and that’s what my parents want.  Oh well.  I can’t do much about it.  Got up around 930 for a change.  Sheesh.  I could at least get some good sleep, you know?  It’s a vacation.  Time to sleep in and what not.  I’m probably like the only college kid not getting sleep during Christmas break.  Man.  We headed out to get something to eat, kinda late.  We watched Toy Story while we traveled to Philadelphia to check out Liberty Bell and the buildings in which the Constitution of the United States was written and what not.  It wasn’t that interesting.  I guess I just wasn’t in the mood, but, I don’t think I would ever be in the mood.  *sigh.*  The thing is, I’m sure I’ll take my kids some day.  I’ll subject them to the same kinda torture that I went thru.  Oh well.  So, we walked around the cold cold streets of dirty Philadelphia and toured like tourists.  How fun.  I forgot how close I was to UPENN and Drexel.  Memories…  It would be nice if I could take back some of the things I did in this city a while back.  but, I can’t.  Why worry about it.  As we left, we passed Drexel and Upenn.  I recognized a couple places where I walked with her.  I had the urge to call up Edy and say hi.  To say that I was in the area and that I hope that she was having a great break and a happy Christmas.  Actually, she’s in Boston most likely, right…?  I guess so.  Man.  So many things… in the past…  Alas… It was all Your plan Lord.  All Your plan.  This was all written way before time began and all that happened was going to happen.  Lord, sometimes it’s hard to accept things that You have had happen, but, I know that it is for the good.  It is for the good.  SO, regardless, I guess, well, it was planned long before.  I can’t do anything about it.  I can only accept it and go with it and praise You Lord, even more for having it all planned out for me.  It’s sort of comforting that I don’t even have to think really… In that respect, cause, I don’t have to really think about the future that hard when You have it all in control and what not.  I’m just fulfilling Your plan for me, nothing else.  Just loving You everyday and keeping You as my number one priority.  As long as I do that, You can continue working in my life and bless me.  Seems like a good plan.  A win win situation almost.  We’re a team Lord.  Your the leader, but, still, it’s a team.  Of You and me and of all the other players that You will have enter my life.  I can’t finish this life without You, cause I can’t do it myself.  A team effort.  I can’t go thru life without my fellow brothers and sisters either.  They are there to help me, support me, rebuke me, hurt me, put me down, or whatever You have planned for them to do.  I’ve had some really bad people in my life, but, they were there for a purpose, and to get me closer to You.  Your plan is so majestic and unique and hard to understand.  One could easily ask why You would put people in my life that would only desire to put me down or hurt me, physically, psychologically, or mentally, or spiritually.  But, they are tests.  They are temptations.  That, when I can overcome them, I can grow stronger in Your word.  Or, if I fail miserably, it’ll help me understand that I need You that more.  I can’t win or overcome these things without You Lord.  I need You to be there for me.   In either case, You’ll be there and You drive me closer to You thru these experiences, good, or bad.  Well, I guess, as long as they have me have my walk with You grow stronger, i guess all experiences are good, in essence, even though they may be bad ones, in respect to negative effects to my earthly body and mind, in that sense… Yeah… uh.  I know it makes sense in my head.  I dunno about putting it down in words.  Anyway… what was I talking about…?  I gotta scroll up for a sec…  Oh, yeah, Edy.  Lord, may You continue to bless her and be with her as she goes thru this life.  She is so strong in some respects, to the point of stubborness… But, if all that emotion, passion she has for certain things could be directed to fulfill Your glory…?!  She could be such a strong disciple and woman of God.  I swear.  She could be so awesome in faith and love, if only she could focus.  Now, God, I’m not sure how her walk with You is.  I’m in no place to judge and I’m not.  But, from the way that I talk to her and the conversations that we have had, she doesn’t seem as focused as she could be.  Lord, help her see Your desire for her and Your plan for her.  Help her realize that You love her and that that love will never cease.  Never, in comparison to untrue ‘human love.’  I know that I told her that I loved her Lord.  You know that was untrue and false.  Lord, I know that love is forever.  It is not scalable.  You cannot fall out of love.  Lord, i was never in love with Edy.  I just really liked her a lot.  Very much so.  But, it wasn’t love.  And, Lord, You know that I manipulated that around to fool her.  Lord, I have sinned.  I am so ashamed.  God, please, forgive me.  I wasn’t focused.  I didn’t know all the stuff I know now.  I was young and babo and ignorant of Your word and ignorant of what You would have liked me to be and do.  Lord.  I have come so far, and I know, that was Your plan in the first place, but, Lord, please, forgive me for failing You Lord.  Forgive me for failing You.  I fell Lord.  I have fallen.  Lift me up and wrap me in Your love Lord.  Just, drive everything around me that is sinful away from me.  Hold me in Your arms and never let go.  I love You Lord, my Father.  I know You love me as well.  ANd, Edy, I’ve said this so many times with my mouth, but, with my heart I haven’t fully confessed… if you only knew, I’m sorry.  My heart goes out to you Edy.  If I could only have one more chance to see you and talk to you, I would.  Maybe, some day Lord, You can give me that chance to see her and just talk to her about You.  That would be my desire.  To just talk to her about You and how You are working in her life and how You have worked in her life since the last time I saw her.  Maybe Lord.  But, Your plan Lord.  Your plan.  Maybe I’ll call her up tonight.  Just say hi.  Well, after leaving that memory, we drove to Carmel Church to play some b-ball.  We met up with Pete’s family, Roger’s family, and the Townsends and Cynthia, and we had some fun playing ball.  Jackie is really good.  If she keeps it up, she’ll be in the WNBA.  I’m gonna call it right now…  Haha.  Just in case, I can say that I saw talent and I recognized it and I called it.  Hehe.  We’ll see.  Hope she continues to grow and may You just bless her as she grows Lord.  May she keep You as her biggest part of her life and use everything You give her to glorify You.  How awesome would that be…?  Petakun and I eventually dance a little.  I tried some 2000’s for the first time.  Kinda wierd feeling, but, mad cool if I get em.  How fun.  We left for Leffert’s house and had a big dinner there.  I busted out some gongee and practiced for awhile.  I am a little shaky on every part of the game, but, yo, Miso and Su and Ben, and… uh, everyone I guess, better watch out, cause, I’m gonna represent on you guys… fo sho!… Well, maybe not. Oh well.  And, eventually, we left.  Nothing too special I guess.  It was good to just spend time with extended family.  Who knows when the next time I’ll see them…?  Lord, You may take them away anytime You please.  God, help me realize this and make sure that all my actions are out of love and motivated strongly to just love them, for, who knows when I’ll see them next, or ever…?  Ahh… When I think about it that way, I never wanna end a conversation on bad terms, or anything like that.  I wanna do everything out of love for another.  Who knows what Your plan is for them, or for me…?  Lord, help me stay focused on love and its power over everything.  Help me be motivated out of love and have all my words and actions be backed by love and nothing more.  It’s hard sometimes, but, i just need to practice.  I can make it something that is who I am and not have to think about it.  I have to move it from my mind to my heart and have it become 2nd nature.  I can do it.  I have failed a lot during this break, but, I can always start today.  Or, tonight for that matter.  I had a really good talk while I was at the Leffert’s house with Petakun, just helping him focus on You Lord and Your will for him and Your plan.  Lord, his relationship with April.  May You bless that and have it be for Godly reasons and not earthly ones.  May You have petakun learn something from it and grow in faith because of it.  Lord, he has a good heart.  He hears me when I talk to him.  Have me speak truth and not lies.  Have me be motivated to speak to him because of my love for him, and nothing else.  Tonight was good.  I truly love him.  I was motivated out of love for him and concern about his walk with YOu.  Lord, may all my conversations be that focused.  Thank You Lord for that opportunity tonight.  I did well with it and I did not waste a chance.  Thanks for Your strength and guidance during it.  I hope it was of Your words and not mine.  Thank You for loving him Lord.  Continue to work in my brother’s life and just bless him forever. Even though he isn’t focused sometimes, he has a good heart and a good will and is strong with You Lord.  I know he is.  Just continue to work thru him and have him help me grow as well Lord.  Have me be open minded and open hearted to his words of wisdom as well, even though I may be more focused, he has valid arguements and comments.  Help me not just shrug them off because of my own selfish pride.  Help me be open to him and his knowledge.  I can still learn from him and from everyone that I meet, even if they may not be as far in their walks as I am.  Lord, pride destroys and hinders progress.  I never wanna stop my walk with You Lord.  Take my selfish and prideful ways and destroy them with Your love.  I can overcome them and become more righteous in Your eyes.  I just need more focus.  I can do it.  Lord, again, thank You for that opportunity and time to really speak with him about You.  It’s not often that these times come up.  It was fun as well to play gongee with him too.  :)  Yeah…  Well, tonight, I’m not as tired, but, I will be.  I read some more 1st Samuel, and got thru chapter 3.  2 and 3 really spoke to me in regards to God’s power and His calling respectively.  In chapter 2, it relates how God’s prophecy against the House of Eli and His power to condemn and set His plan in motion.  God, with His almighty hand, could just come down and thru a man, tell Eli that He has changed His plan for Eli’s sons and will take both their lives on the same day because of their sinful ways and Eli’s knowledge about it and how Eli didn’t do anything about it.  God, You are so powerful.  Because of sin, You could take lives…!  If you deem it necesary, You could take my life because of my sin!  Man, isn’t that incentive to just do everything right, and not mess up…?  Man… I think so…  If I knew that You could take my life just because of lying to someone today, or in the past, just a small sin… really… Man, I would have never done it.  Gosh…  Okok.  So.  Incentive.  Plain and simple.  You sin, God could take Your life because of it.  Maybe instantly, or maybe down the road aways, but, He could take it anytime he wants just because of a little trangression.  Although, Eli’s son’s trangessions weren’t that small, like sleeping with women and what not, but, that’s not the point.  Obey the Lord and the commandments and become righteous and He will bless us.  Enough said.  3rd chapter dealt with Samuels calling.  God called Samuel 4 times.  The first couple times, Samuel thought it was Eli calling him, but, it wasn’t.  It was the Lord.  This was interesting to me cause I could relate in some ways to this.  Lord, this new possibility in leadership in the ministry of the prayer meetings was a calling from You for me to take it up and perform it for You.  I was just blind and unfocused as for me to not see the obvious signs that You had given me.  Lord, even when You called Samuel’s name aloud…!  He didn’t know it was You.  Could You have given me signs that obvious…  and still I didn’t recognize them…?  Yeah, I guess so.  Let me be focused Lord.  Even when You don’t call me out so obviously and with words, help me so focused on You that I will recognize them all.  This first time was… well, I was inexperienced and sort of new at it, so, I didn’t know what I was looking for, but, Lord, I know now, or, at least I’m more in tune with the ways that You work.  You never work the way I expect.  Always a surprise.  Just, may I be open hearted and minded to Your word and Your will, so that when You do send me signs and tell me what to do, I don’t be babo and overlook them.  I can be babo sometimes, but, I’m learning Lord, and growing in wisdom.  I have so far to go Lord, but, it’s been a good journey thus far I believe.  May it continue to be as fulfilling and as great as the first 20 years of my life.  I know it will be an awesome ride.  And, may Your will be done every single day.

Well well well.  I just got off the phone with Edy.  Talked with her for 10 min and 6 seconds.  How fun.  She’s busy doing her thing and I’m busy doing mine.  I wished her well, but, I can’t help but feel that she would feel much relieved to hang up the phone.  Oh well.  Overcoming her feelings and what not and her bitterness toward me could take years it seems.  I’m willing to weather that storm for as long as it takes.  Oh well.  I’m tired now, so, I’m gonna head to bed.  Lord, may You continue to look after Edy and I will keep her in my prayers.  Lord, may You continue to shine Your light upon us all.  We need You so much.