Another Weblog Entry

Note… This entry was gonna go up on the… 26th… But never finished it…  So its up now on the 28th, 2 days later… well, sort of… since its only like 12:06 AM… Oh well…  Life has a way of getting IN THE WAY, when your trying to do these damn things…

Project: XANGA

So here’s another weblog entry.  I’m sitting here listening to “Hero” by that Iglesias guy, right.  And all I can think about is the ride I had up from Naples…  You know what would be great, if you could like remotely access this weblog thing from the road, or wherever you are, cause sometimes you become so inspired and you just wanna do nothing else but write all these things down… But, of course thats not possible… Oh well, technology isn’t as far as I’d like it, but hell, what can I do…

I guess we’ll start with today.  Today I woke up, and I did nothing.  I sat around on this beautiful sunday and… oh, I went swimming.  Yeah.  And, I did some gardening.  Haha.  Hey, lookit, my dad is a real good homeowner, and likes to keep the house looking good and all, and I really respect him for that and everything he does, so, I don’t mind doing my part by helping out and all.  So, I planted some really nice flowers… Doh, I can’t remember what they are called, but I had mad fun, cause you have to make like a mud-pie kinda deal when you plant flowers, so they can take root and become nice and healthy flowers.  Yah?  So, I was taught this technique by my grandfather, and you like dig that hole right?  Of course you do, what am I thinking…, anyway, you like dig this hole, and then you drop some fertilizer in, but if you put too much in, you kill the flower, and if you put too little, well, I don’t know what would happen, but it couldn’t be good…  Well, maybe the flower would grow… Yeah, it would have to…  Hmmm… I could’ve saved some fertilizer I suppose… but i dun want them dying… anyway, so you fill the hole with the fertilizer in it, with a good amount of water, and then you put the bulb or flower in and you plant it down tight and nice and you get your hands all muddy and you make mud pie.  And, its sort of cool, because you feel really yucky and good at the same time. Cause your hands are all muddy, but you feel like a little kid playing with mud.  Yeah… Ok, so I was a little boi just messing with mud, BUT, being productive at the same time.  Yeah.  So, then i jumped in the pool, and then lounged around outside, cause it was like that nice heat that the sun can sometimes provide for you. It is so enveloping and makes you just high on life.  I know I can’t be the only one that feels this way sometimes.  When the sky is clear and the sun is shining down, and its that really nice heat…  It’s almost euphoric.  It just consumes your body, heating you up from the inside out.  And I just wanna bask in it, losing myself to nothingness.  Very strange, that something so far away can make you just feel so good.  Something like relationships I suppose.  You know, its the strangest thing.  Sometimes, like, the sun will actually give me a chill, like, a rush of adrenaline surging thru my body.  And it makes you perspire, if just for a sec, and then the heat and the air cools you down and the sun takes its rays and just drowns you in them.  Simply amazing.  Like a relationship, that is sometimes too good to handle, gives you chills and at the same time just drives you over the edge and you can’t handle it anymore and you wanna run and find shade but you can’t because it feels so good. I just stood there, in my driveway, with out a shirt on, and I raised my head toward the sun, so that the rays could hit it directly, and I slowly raised my arms up so that they were straight out from my sides. I slowly opened my palms and stood there taking as much of it as I could, and I felt so calm and collected.  I was just standing there.  I was in a state of acceptance, accepting the sun into me, letting it consume me and take me away somewhere, anywhere but there, and at the same time, I didn’t wanna leave.  I conflict of interests, no doubt.  Life is so mysterious sometimes.  It makes me wonder if human nature instills these intrinsic feelings that range from rature to romance, to being a recidivist in contrast to romance, I suppose, and irrationality, and what-not, and a total relapse of all thought in mind and spirit.  And all these thoughts and dispositions can come from something or nothing at all and impact you sometimes so violently that it destroys the very foundation in which you choose to live and breathe and sometimes its so silent that it goes unnoticed.  But they are always there…  And, anyway, I was standing there, like Jesus on the cross, ready to bear all the weight of sin in the entire world, with my arms wide open, taking in the sun, and I didn’t think of a damn thing.  I just love the sun and the warmth it brings, and the comfort it instils, because you know, that watever happens in life, whatever is thrown your way, whether good, or bad, there will be another day.  The sun will rise, and it shall be there for you.  Sometimes you have to gauge life in comparison to the constants that are unflinching, and only then can you make adjustments and changes in regard to those things that you know won’t change.  Life will go on, and yes, the sun will rise, and it will fall, and night will come, like life, things rise and fall, and you just have to be prepared to deal with both.  Some people like having big ups and downs.  Some people don’t.  But in either case, both must deal without the sun, and see the moon.  But, then, the moon… It’s a piece of work too.  Oh man, God has created some amazing things…

I went to church today, and I was shocked to see my dad wearing this suit that he hasn’t worn in like 5 years, since living in Japan.  He’s gained weight since living there, and recently, he’s lost like 20 pounds! I am so damn proud of him, and he finally was able to fit in this suit, and he’s a pimp.  Haha… ok.  So, i was going to church… yeah, ’nuff said i guess.  I sat down and there was this recently graduated girl sitting behind me who is from my highschool.  She’s a nice person i suppose, but you know what, I don’t even know her freakin name…  oh well, so I knew she graduated, but I couldn’t just sit there backwards and talk to her during the middle of the service, so, being a little boi again, I grabbed my pamphlet that I had, and started passing notes over the back of my pew to her.  I asked her where she was going and all.  Haha, it was sort of cute i guess.  We were being little kids and all.  But, in the end, I got tired of that.  She’s going to Amherst, and uh… thats all i can remember from our little note passing.  Yeah. what a waste.  I went home and then uh, did whatever i wrote up there.

But, what I guess what I really wanna comment on is what has been going on recently.  Sort of just a combination of things.  Recently, I’ve been sort of an azz.  I’ve been ignoring someone, who… I suppose you really can’t ignore.  And I’ve been doing it for almost my own good, because pain isn’t something people like to experience, except if your a masochist i suppose, but… I dun like it.  And this hurts.  You know, the thing is, I have this real high threshold for pain.  For physical pain anyway.  I mean, sometimes, it can be so unhealthy, cause I just keep going regardless if my body is screaming at me to stop.  I sometimes do more harm than good.  But, thats me i guess.  Psychologically though, I guess I’m just like everyone else.  You don’t wanna get burnt and just keep on going with the same things. You want a resolution, so the pain can stop.  Resolution, its so circumstancial, and so hard to come by sometimes.  Sometimes your lucky, and the answer is clear and there are no doubts in your mind.  But, for the most part, its never crystal clear, and for me, it always ends up in some sort of tragic end.  It sometimes requires sacrifice.  Sacrifice.  It’s something that, when you say it, it just doesn’t seem so bad.  But, it is such an aspect that cannot be ignored… It just has the gravity of nearly anything else when it comes down to the line.  Sacrifice.  Sometimes I have to sacrifice very little, and sometimes I end up nearly losing everything I have or own.  Its like a vicious cycle sometimes.  I fall so far and I end up somehow getting back on my feet and reaching the top and then the ground falls beneath me again, and i slide, and i fall deeper.  and the process repeats.  Happiness and sorrow are locked in an endless battle for dominance, between the passing of events and experiences.   And all the while, i lose something.  Something that is a part of me.  Its the sacrifice that demands payment.  It demands something of me, and i have no choice but to give something up.  And as I get up from every failure and every loss, I yearn to gain back either what i lost or gain something new that would obliterate everything that happened and help me forget those painful memories that haunt me.  I just hope that ill be able to get back up again and still be able to hold myself together.  Sometimes, it seems so hard to do it.  And you just wanna lie down on the ground and admit defeat.  It’s the easiest thing to do sometimes.  Just sit there and say, “well, you done phucked up, lets just lie here and let the storm pass”.  And, yeah, except the problem doesn’t go away.  It’s still there when you raise your head from the dirty floor and its staring at you right in the face.  And you wanna cower and hide but you can’t.  The healing process can only begin with the simplest of actions.  And that is acceptance.  Acceptance of sacrifice and knowing that life will go on.  And thats seems almost reassuring except that its still the biggest bitch to go thru.  Oh well, c’est la vie.  That’s life, and it’ll never stop… 

So here I am, putting aside something that shouldn’t be put aside.  It’s like watching a pot of water boil over.  You know that you need to take the pot off the stove or turn the heat down, but you just wanna give it another second to rise a little higher… And higher and higher, until your caught between a mix of fear and excitement and it goes over the edge and now you have to clean it up, and perhaps, start from the very beginning.  The beginning, such a novel idea.  So much chance and so much possibility…  So anyway, as sometimes life has it, life throws me a good excuse, and I take it as readily as a child would take some candy.  My brother just bought this new car, Mazda Mx-3, and man, this thing is off the hook.  I’m not even gonna go into all the details, but, the thing has got 14+grand into it, from stereo, body-kits, and lights.  Shizit.  So, he needs to go pick it up down in Naples, Florida, which is like a 7 hour drive from where we live.  Anyway, he needs someone to drive down in and come back and pick it up.  So it was a perfect choice to be totally devoid of thought and throw away all the problems that I’m having and just hook up on a roadie with the one person who will always be there for me.  So, we’re off, and just as fast as we exit the city, I’m leaving everything behind.  Just me and the winding road, taking me where-ever it needs to go.  I become subject to nothingness and at the same time I feel in control. Such a strange combination of thoughts and feelings.  The 7-8 hours down to Naples happened fast.  We were just excited to be out on the road and thinking about the new car that we we’re about to pick up.  We had reason to anywayz…  So, we get to the shop, and we enter the back area where they are holding this baby and when I see this thing, I’m just like stunned.  So much better in real life than in pics.  Sometimes things are like that.  Real life has no comparison.  It has no equal.  It is real.  It is the only thing that you have and sometimes you don’t have it and sometimes you have no phucking idea what it is and where its going, and how you wanna deal with it, and what your gonna do with it when you actually take control and how its gonna end, and if the end is gonna be good or bad, or just a continuation of monotony that sometimes controls more than just life itself, it controls you…  But it is real, and pictures sometimes just can’t do it justice.  The mind is a better memory container than any still frame picture.  You know what is interesting, is that sometimes a picture or image can sometimes reflect some element that makes it looks that more attractive than the actual thing.  Unfortunately, somethings just look better on paper than in real life, or in some cases, its just ignornace that beautifies things and ideas and people.  Sometimes your mind can create images that far exceed that of truth and you set yourself up for disappointment and sometimes regret.  A far worse end would be probably never to see the truth.  So, in the end, enlightenment would have me fair better than not. But, in retrospect, It would have been easier not to see the truth, because the truth hurts.  It cuts deep.  And healing is a problem when it does that.  So, to this end, whether I should in fact seek the truth, whether it hides or is simply right in front of me, is a choice that has but one answer.  Regardless of the outcome, I’d rather find out the hard way than never see it at all…    Anyway, so here I am, looking at this dark cherry/black Mx-3, and I just look at it.  And I’m impressed.  So, to skip all the bullshit, we go for a test drive with one of the coworkers at this place, and this lady is one crazy bitch.  I mean, she is like obsessed with this car, and doesn’t wanna let go of it, and drives like a freakin maniac.  I mean, it is a street car, so it’s definitely raceable and has won lots of street races and shows… but, doesn’t mean she has to prove it to me, damn.  I was clutchin to the six-point harness like it was my job, I was so scared. Damn.  Anyway, we hand over the money, and were told that the owner is setting up a little show or watever at the local Naples Mall.  So, we head over there in the Mx-3 and my old P.O.S. and as we park, I was getting out of the car, and, I mean, this car has a very high-tek security system, and the car doesn’t stop when you take out the keys… And I was like… uh… what the heck?  And, I stepped out of the car, and the car shut the door and locked itself, with the keys in there.  And, the car went apeshit.  This car is so phuckin loud.  I freakin locked the keys in the damn car the first time I drove the damn thing.  The entire Naples mall was looking at me and I felt so damn stupid.  I mean, this car wouldn’t shut up, cause it knew that the keys were in there and that the doors were locked, so it didn’t stop beepin… My brother went to see the guy and told him that I was a dumb-ass and I was calling AAA so that they could come and unlock the door for me.  Ugh, it was so bad.  Anyway, I was walking around the front of the food court, hearing this car go off the chain, and trying to look normal why I have my cell phone in my hand, talking with triple-A, and the car alarm suddenly stops…  So, i walk back, to see this guy with this car backing up and away from my brother’s Mx-3 with the keys in his hand… And Im like… shit, this guy has already jacked my brother’s car. I panic and I’m about to run full-throttle and punch my hand threw his window and kick the shit out of him before he runs off with the keys… and all he does is look at me and hand me the keys as I haul ass to his car window… I feel stupid.  He’s a friend of the owner’s and he has a second pair of keys.  And I’m like… Uh… thanks.  and he drives off…  Anyway, at least he had a really hot ride.  stoked out saturn, real dope. But, anyway, this guy sees that we have a certified check… Now listen here, a CERTIFIED CHECK, but its not made out to him intially, but its ENDORSED to him.  That means, that the money on that check is all his and he has nothing to worry about.  But, he was a jackass, and wanted to make sure that a certified check would carry over into his account.  By definition, a certified check means its good as gold.  Damn, so we have to spend the night down in Naples, totally uncalled for, cause I told someone that I’d try to be back saturday morning but, of course, this is not gonna be the case now.  So my brother and I have to bring the Mx-3 back to the shop, and go scrounge up some money for a hotel.  The first hotel we found was the ramada, but after waiting like 30 min to talk to the guy, all he has to tell me is that I’m not 21.  Oh, thankx for reminding me.  Hey, Ill be 20 in a couple months… scary, huh…  Anyway, he can’t rent out a room to me and uh, so that sucked.  Then I went down the street a ways and i see a holiday inn.  So, i jump out of the car and my brother parks it and I go in and there is this really kyoot looking chinese girl behind the counter.  And I do my thing and in the next 5 min, I have a room and I’ve got her number, and I’ve set a date up for the next weekend…  HAHA… well, she was kyoot.  But watever.  And just before I leave, she looks and me and says, is that your last name? And I say, yeah, weird, eh?  and thats about it.  I got a room on the 4th floor and my brother suggests that we goto outback and grab something to eat, but I have this mad headache going on, but he drags me over to it.  ANd while were waiting outside, with like 20 other customers, my brother calls me out to battle.  I mean, this is sort like, stupid, but after he calls me out, to challenge me and all, I accept and we’re like break dancing out on the street before our meal at Outback.  I mean, we were going all out and like every patron inside the restaurant facing outside is looking at us, and the hostess comes out and watches us, and I almost get hit by a silver camaro that was speeding in…  Damn, mad fun.  So by the time our little beeper starts beeping, were all sweaty and stuff, and we go sit down and my headache goes away for the moment.  I am sitting there, and I start talking to to pete about life and relationships and stuff, and i know i don’t wanna talk about it, cause thats why i choose to take this road trip down with him; to be totally devoid of thoughts about anything except that task at hand… But i suppose it unavoidable.  And it just makes me get my headache again and I just can’t think more about it and i can’t finish my caesar salad, I we leave pretty fast, cause i wanna get some sleep.  And we head back to the hotel, and I’m staring at the ceiling, and I just pass away to the land of nothingness.

I wake up in the morning, only to find that my brother hasn’t slept since he’s been so excited about getting his car.  So, he’s riding on straight adrenaline, and watever, we head over to the guys place, and, to cut to the chase, we grab the car and ‘get the phuck out of dodge’… i think thats the saying… maybe not.  But, we ghost from Naples and I’m just driving back, not really thinking about anything, until its like around 5 or 6 in the afternoon, and sun is setting.  ANd all I can think of is her.  She’s just sitting there in the car, like she was a month before, and she’s holding my hand.  She doesn’t say a word.  Just her presence is overwhelming.  It’s total and complete.  I look outside and the sun is setting and the clouds are hued in white and pink.  With wisps like gypsy silk they seem to beg for attention from the setting sun and everything seems to be alright with the world.  ANd its times like these that make me just cry.  And before long, It’s almost 9 and the sun is gone and the moon is out.  I can’t even remember that last 3 hours that I spent in the car.  It all just passed away from memory.  I was just driving, and i was driving with her.  And it hurt so much cause she wasn’t there and I didn’t know how it was gonna end up with me and her and how I’ve really made some big mistakes in my life and I could have made one of the biggest one of my entire life.  But I looked out the window, on the right side this time, and there was the perfect moon, like one out of the movies, but no movie magic could make this look as grand as the one i saw on that ride home.  I swear I saw her face in the moon, just staring at me, begging me to come.  But the moon is so far away… I could never reach it if i tried, and it seemed all in vain, and an impossibility, only to be breached by never ending love and commitment… ANd, all seemed lost…  but, for that one moment, with my arms reaching for the sun, I had it all. I phuckin had it all.  And as soon as I was this phucking close to getting it, i fell, and like icarus, flying to close to the sun, I plummet to earth.  With my eyes still on the sun and the stars, i fall back…

The ebbing tide is drawing nearer to me now.  I can feel it brush across my feet… daring me to take a step back… Daring me to be bold and take a step closer to the dark and unknown water that waits…  It roots me in place, declaring my weakness to the whole world.  It knows I can’t move.  It knows that I can’t make a decision.  It knows that im stuck and I have no other choice but to look up and pray to God for something to save me from drowning.  Its slow and merciless, playing with my thoughts and fears and hopes and desires, and puts them in pandora’s box, only to be thrown something like that of a combination of something that is incomprehensible and unintelligible.  Where do i go…  Where do i go…


I end up getting home around 10 and I just crash…  I hope its not too late…