Casey and Corey

I had a bit of a “moment” this morning and it hit me so hard that I froze: I was ready to forgive.

It was the strangest moment — difficult to describe but the closest thing might be a feeling of alignment in my chest, as if something moved ever-so slightly to the right (or left?) and then… there, right… there… that’s it.

I sat up (I was on laying on the ground in the kitchen) and just thought: “I’m not mad at them anymore.” And, it’s as if I just… understood.

[Does that make any fucking sense?!]

Neither of these two will have any memory for these moments or the seasons in which they happened—why would they? It was 6th Grade and Freshman year in College for crying out loud.

With Casey it was not just what he said but what he did (and convinced others to do). This was my first real encounter with bullying-at-scale. But, I think I can now understand why and what even drove him to do those things. Now, ~25 or so years later, I think I get it. That’s cool. I’m good.

With Corey I thought I’d never forgive him. But now, I do. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have the faintest idea as to what I’m talking about if we ever ran into each other by accident. And that’s fine (and I would never bring it up if it ever happened). I can understand why my own behavior could have set the wheels in motion that caused him to execute against that singular decision. It’s cool. I’m good.

Wow, I’ve been carrying that weight for years.

It feels good to let it go.