Filling Holes.

holes[The reason I’m posting this is because I hope this can attempt to explain why I might be a little “unavailable” for a bit of time, why I’m not in Southern California right now laughing it up with @loswhit at Catalyst West, why I’m not answering many phone calls, and why I’m not on Twitter with my usual chatter… although a number of queued up posts will be auto-firing some tweets now and then… Apologies in advance… I’ll get to all of them as I can.]

Yesterday began pretty much “business as usual” with an early start, a robust darkly-brewed coffee, and a nice morning “find” (found the last chocolate doughnut in the pantry…!) that kicked it off pretty well.

After getting to the office I knocked out a few emails and I was feeling great. It all went a little downhill from there.

My wife had a scheduled doctor’s appointment with our OB/GYN in the morning and it was essentially a routine checkup about her pregnancy. For those that didn’t know my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child that we had been anticipating for a while.

I say was because that is no longer the case.

Before noon (I can’t really remember the timing of it all) I received a phone call from my wife who, with a quivering voice, relayed to me perhaps the worst news that I have ever personally received:

There’s no heartbeat John.

I’m not sure if I can describe the particular emotion that I felt but it was unlike anything I have experienced.

After hanging up the phone because she had to discuss with our doctor about “next steps” I sat there in silence.

I knew it was coming.

A brief moment of clarity gave me enough wisdom to attempt to find a room in which I could “just let go” and not disturb those around me.

I got up and ran to the other side of the building. I’m not sure what I was looking for but I didn’t find it immediately. I kept going.

I happened to stumble into Tim’s office, mumble something to the effect of “You got a sec…?” I paused, dropped an F-Bomb as I fumbled to find a chair, and proceeded to weep so hard that I began to bleed all over the office, chair, floor, and Tim.

I hope that blood-stain comes off those jeans bro… those looked expensive.

I’m not exactly sure what occured next and in what order but I remember some of my senior executive staff come and pray for me. Dan, Bob, Bill, Rick… you guys are the best.

The rest is just a blur.

It’s only been 24 hours but it seems like eternity.

I feel like there is this great big hole is in my heart and I’m not sure how to fill it, but it definitely feels empty and I want it to be filled so badly because it hurts so much.

Pray for my family, my wife, my daughter, and the surgery this Friday. I’ll see you guys on the flip-side.