I’m Keeping it Real Right Now

These days, I’m pretty much jez chillin’.  Doing mai thang over at the office, doing mai eight-2-fiver, and then coming home, and have some tight-ass freestyle sessions wit mai boi petakun.  word up.  ‘mills are in da house and i’m rockin it steady like you wouldn’t it believe.  keeping it tight, jez gotta improve da form, nahmene.  haha.  tiziiiiite.

I’m keeping it real right now.  Just cruising thru life like and old-skool hip-hob beat.  Breakin’ it down to the groove.  Nothing is really bothering me that much.  I’ve actually, and I know this is some phucked up shizit, but I’ve tuned into that ‘coding’ frame of mind and I’m bustin out some nice-ass javascript/actionscript.  Thats some phucked up shit when you get excited about coding.  I guess that sums up how boring mai life is right now.  Emotion has been forsaken.  I’m sort of like an autonomous robot.  But. Not really.  haha.  old-skool pop-n-lock. true true.

I went to the Planet Smoothie place today with petakun.  haha. there was this cute girl taking mai order and I just asked her where she went to school.  Flirting… well, not really.  But she said Providence, which is a High-school… so, from the get-go she was a little too young.  haha. she asked where i was going and i said… Georgia Tech, she was like. oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh… and she was like, your a freshman… and i was like.  nah, im a sophomore… and it didn’t hit me at first. but crazy shizit, im a phucking sophomore. getting old. getting ancient. outdated like a bad computer. and im still runnin’.  I am old.  I’m getting there.  Shit, ill be 20 in like 5 months.  By the time i know it, my teenage years are down the shitter and oh, hello world, watch out now…  It won’t stop either.  Time has no master.  I’m it’s bitch. Oh well, the tables have turned, haven’t they.

Recently.  I’ve been an asshole.  I’ve been an inconsiderate bitch, and I frankly don’t give a flying phuck if anyone cares.  haha.  so easy to be bad.

Live in the present, and look into the future.  The past is fun, but its gone.  Never forget the past, but hell, don’t live in it.  I’ve done that all my life up until now.  It’s a phucking burden and hell, it kills you.  Experience is a teacher, but it teaches u to be prepared for the future, not the past.  Alas…  I have fallen so far and so fast…

The grains of sand fall thru my hand,
The wind takes them and sweeps them away,
scattering them across the sea of sand,
returning only to the earth, whence it came.
I look beyond that of anything and see nothing,
listlessness overtakes my body and I do not care.
Lightning runs across the horizon and my mind.
I do not see as I used to do.
When all is lost and light does not shine thru,
i have no other choice but to turn to You.
Dear God whence art thou coming to return,
take me from this wretched world of pain.
Like a camera, still photographs flood my mind,
archived deep away somewhere still,
open they do not, for fear of drowning,
I see the stars, the moon, the sun,
burning bright into the pupils of my unborn eyes.
awakened i have not from this slumber called denial,
and when i open them, they too shall declare truth.
The months fly by, i care little of their passing,
the days and weeks seem less haunting now,
the minutes and seconds end is ceaseless nothing,
and now i desire less than the drunkards last drop.
Time stands still again and I think stupid things,
my mind is my gun and its cocked and loaded.
typing away, clickety click click click…
I drop my hand to my side,
and wish it could all just go away.

Nov, 24th, 2002 [p]