Going Insane

The definitions of insane are as follows:

  1. In a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill.
  2. Of an action or quality characterized or caused by madness.
  3. In a state of extreme annoyance or distraction.
  4. Of an action or policy extremely foolish; irrational or illogical.

Every once in a while I literally go insane. I’ve been told that it’s quite scary to be around me when this happens and it’s hard to even describe because I don’t always remember what happens when my mind literally gets lost, but, my spouse (and now my children) talk through it with me post-event and I catch little bits and pieces.

This typically happens when I’m tired, stressed, anxious, and generally overwhelmed with life. The best way that I can describe it is that I’ve “maxed out” the capacity of my brain and I just go crazy.

I’ll scream, shout, start losing motor skills, cry, and essentially have a full-blown, adult-sized tantrum and meltdown; I may end up throwing things or even try to hurt myself. It’s a total clusterfuck, in short.

I share this because I need to process these types of things (which is why I write in the first place) and I don’t mind sharing all of the good, the bad, and especially the ugly when it comes to surviving this planet because I believe that publicly sharing these things helps reduce the stigma and makes these types of things less taboo.

The more we talk about it, honestly, candidly, openly… the better the world becomes… at least that’s what I believe (and I hope to God that it’s true).

Understanding, accepting, and eventually figuring out how to love one’s self can feel like a never-ending journey of pain and self-flagellation; the results and outcomes are not always obvious nor are they palatable nor are they immediate and pragmatic – it’s truly a process and that, in and of itself, can be maddening.

But it’s better that you do something (anything!) because the process represents hope while everything else is hopeless.