message no. 31

Just finished another post to webct for my 3304 class. Here it is… I find that my writing is quite, well, stupid, when I write for these things. I wonder…

Is It Worth It…?

Message no. 31
Posted by John Saddington (gtg676b) on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 10:58am

After reading thru John Colapinto’s, “As Nature Made Him”, I felt fairly compelled to write down some thoughts that seemed to be streaming thru my head.  I think my overall feeling for this assigned reading was that of a mixture of two branches of thought that created an overhead disposition of solemnity.  A strange composition of sadness and anger prevailed.  My initial thought- process was not about analyzing the raging debates between Signmundson, Money, Diamond, and all the other researchers and their critical yet truthful (truthful in respect to their own biases and discoveries) findings with regards to infant sex-reassignment, but more to the tune of a personal stance and, honestly, a internal battle with a potential yet unknown future and fate.  My thoughts journeyed to a present tense in the future, where I find myself in marriage and contemplating children.  All I could think about during these readings were, “What if my child is born like this?”  I would find it hard to find a person that had read these articles and that didn’t think about their own offspring or future offspring. I asked myself another question, “What would I do?”

I, like many others I’m sure, are considering having children of their own in the future. For some, I’m sure it’s not even a choice: It will happen, and there wife/husband will be of a character that will be in agreement with fostering children. I, myself, do intend on having children after I marry. I believe that part of my criteria for a suitable mate is one that desires children as well. And, as of late, I’ve been fairly comfortable with this idea. In all actuality, I haven’t even thought about it; I think school takes up more of my focus than I would like, and hence, I have little else to think about. But, it is articles like these that stir within me some deepening questions about fatherhood, parenthood in general, and the possibilities of radical happening. We all see unfortunate circumstances, like the children in these articles, and we bear, if anything, a little sympathy for them and their parents. But, then, the feeling creeps upon me of “This could happen to my child” and I begin to question my decision, if but for an instant. The two questions, as repeated from above, sieze my train of thought and begs for an answer, which, interestingly enough, doesn’t show up.

“What if this happens to my child?” and “What would I do?”

Going thru these essays and articles and historic documents of medical blunders and screwups and strange unfortunate outcomes and all the psychological disfunction and emotional turmoil and stress and monetary funditure and anger and resentment and disgust and loss and despair… It makes me wonder if it is all worth it. Is parenthood worth these tribulations? The 2nd piece of writing that we were assigned to read was of a happier note, relatively speaking, but I felt there was also a tone of sadness. Yes, this child had overcome the odds, and yes, this child is being fruitful, and yes, this man is happy. But, cliche as it is, do the ends justify the means?

I didn’t dwell much on the questions that I proposed in my mind. I frankly didn’t want to think about them. I guess I’m sort of going to put it aside for the moment (and that moment could be many years), but, it the notion still begs to differ and demands a response; a response that I’m not sure I’m ready to give. I remain stolid in my approach to children though: I really, really, really, want my own children. I trust in the Lord that He will provide for me, and if anything, Faith shall set my heart at ease. As to the questions, I think, possibly, that I simply do not care.

These postings are quite interesting, and strangely, I am quite frank and open in them. I don’t really care. I doubt many people even read them…

Got up this morning and had my QT, as usual, I’m afriad that it may be becoming routine… I hope not though. Some really good passages…

Proverbs 4:10

Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble.

I thought this was tight, cause, the Lord is like, “accept what I say”. He’s not saying, choose to listen or decide if you wanna do this… He’s saying, accept it. Just do it. Listen to me, and it will be good. It goes on to say that ‘the years of your life will be many’, if you listen to me. Why in the world wouldn’t you listen to the Lord then…? Dude, that is so ridiculous. If God promises an awesome, fruitful, long life, if you only listen to Him and obey Him, then, what in the world is stopping us? The passage then goes on to say that our roads will not be hampered. Tight, right? But, then, He says, ‘run’. Even when we run we will not stumble. So, why in the world are we ‘walking’ to the Lord, even though are way is not hampered, and not running, knowing full well that we will not stumble if we are focused on Him?!? Makes me wanna just spring to You Lord. Sometimes I walk, but, I should be running. Lord, these words were awesome to me this week. Let me do everything for You and just sprint toward You, cause You have everything to offer me and promise me. Joy and Love and Hope in You. Awesome.

Was also meditating constantly on just ‘seeking to understand first, then to be understood’ and the Lord had me read some more about that.

Matthew 15:10

Listen and understand. What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean’, but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’

This may have been taken out of context, but, even so, just knowing that I must first listen, and understand, and hear what others, that are more wiser than I, have to say before I speak. If I am not trained fully, the words of my mouth will be evil and destructive. I must first learn to listen and to recieve wisdom from the Lord and from my fellow brothers and sisters before I can be effective unto them. Man, so good. Lord, I pray that I can just seek to understand before I open my big mouth. Gosh, it is something I need to work on. But, I can do it. I’m trying…

Had an another awesome conversation with petakun. He had just a great weekend. He went down to UF and met some awesome Christian brothers and sisters. God, I could only tell him how great it is to have solid Christian brothers and sisters, but, for him to truly realize what he is missing in his life and what true friendships are, well, that had to come from personal experience. It seems that he has found some of those awesome bro’s and sis’s, and God, I am just blessed to hear about it. I hope that he continues to foster and grow those relationships for they can be nothing but fruitful because they are of You and from You. Lord, I am so excited to see that. AND, then, Lord, You put the icing on the cake and petakun FINALLY gets that Bright Futures Scholarship!!! 75% of all tuition paid! Man, it is all from You Lord. Petakun was telling me that he wasn’t even thinking about it, for like the past month, and then, boom, after the last month of growing in You and becoming more faithful to Him, You just bless him because of his faithfulness. Lord, God, You are awesome. You bless us Lord. We don’t deserve any of it. But, You just bless us Lord. God, we can’t thank You enough. Lord, my Father, You are truly great. When our focus is on You, great things happen. It is inevitable. And inevitable consequence. Lord, thank You. Thank You so much. Petakun is coming to You and is hungry and thirsty and that just inspires me so much. I thank You for the opportunities that You have given him to grow in You and see what great friendships, what true friendships can be when they are focused on You. Petakun wants to transfer to UF now… oh man. We’ll see about that, ne?

Mailed off a gift for Tom.  He’s turning 15 on the 30th…!  Man, so old now…  I got him a long sleeved tech shirt, a card, and some gongees… Word.  Hope it gets there soon.

Well, I think I’ve writen alot. Been awhile, but, Lord, it’s all for You. Gonna dance at skiles to advertise for breakdancing club… boo, but, we’ll see, gonna work out, and then, get some work done, ne? Okok. I’m gonna go to class… or, well, sit around for another couple min…

Later Lord.