Only When I’m Dancing

It seems like a long time since i sat down and typed some stuff here.  I don’t know why, but everytime i wanted to sit down, i wasn’t in the mood, even though i had some stuff to say. 

Project: XANGA

Life has a way of getting in the way sometimes… but i guess thats just the way it is.  A couple of nights ago i had one of the worst dreams of my entire life.  My mom died in this dream.  Enough said, right?  I don’t read into dreams that much, and i didn’t particularly want to dive into this one, but it was one of the saddest dreams ive ever had.  The emotion i felt was insurmountable.  pain ripped thru my entire body and sadness plagued it and drained it of all life…  i don’t understand those feelings completely and I never want to feel that kind of sadness ever… Unfortunately, we all are mortal beings, but i hope life won’t be cut short by stupid means.  That wasn’t a very healthy way to start the day, but can’t do anything about it.  I had a good talk with wendy about things and how our relationship was going on.  We have differences.  I’ve mentioned that before.  Sometimes i struggle with them and sometimes i really don’t care.  Right now, she is most likely heading toward buckhead, where she’ll consume an unknownst, to me, amount of alchohol…  This… for me, doesn’t sound like the greatest plan, but she is an individual and i can’t hold her back.  I can only attempt to help her and show her that i care.  Which, is very strange.  Opposites attract?  haha, right…  but this seemed to have done the trick.  I don’t usually have that much sympathy and love for another human that chooses to do the things she does, but… life throws us new lessons and experiences all the time… here’s another one to boot.  I really, truly care for her.  I don’t know whether im falling in love or what.  I’m trying to keep it relatively secret… to her and almost to myself as well.  I don’t mind risking disaster… as long as the goal and possible outcomes look so great.  I don’t mind it.  I could lose it all and be thrown back into some pit of despair and unless hopelessness, but sometimes, well, i guess… i ‘m just willing to put it all on the line for her.  I wonder if she knows how willing i am to get hurt… not in the sense that im looking for pain, but that I’m willing… the risk… for the sake of getting something better.  I called her a couple minutes ago.  I knew i shouldn’t have.  She asked me if i was mad at her.  I didn’t know if i was or wasn’t… i guess i sounded indifferent to her.  which, of course, she could read anyway she’d like to.  i just want her to be safe.  I want her to protect herself from all the harmful things out there.  I wanna be there to protect her.  But i can’t.  and thats why i guess i was upset… if upset is the right word.  i think about her all the time… the only time i dont’ is when im dancing.  cause i love dancing.  and i can forget about everything else when im doing that.  when im with her i feel the same.  its a great feeling.  I don’t have to worry about anything else in the world, even in the world was ending it seems, i could not give it even a glance of interest.  i would be with her, and it would be chill.  im thining about her right now.  and i hope to God that she’s being safe.  i wonder if she realizes that i have these feelings.  i don’t know…  before i went to the freestyle session, i went to the photo club meeting.  the only reason i went was because i promised yoko id be there.  i got there and she wasn’t there, and i was like… uh… where is that shy girl.  but she came and she gave me this great big smile.  that was great.  She, like wendy, is different.  although, on the completely other side of the spectrum.  she’s shy, quiet and composed.  She likes photography and psychology.  a very interesting girl.  she’s rather cute, but doesn’t do anything to express herself or make her self stand out.  she’s seems perfectly content with who she is.  a role model of sorts, even though she doesnt’ even know it.  those kinda people intrigue me, and i find myself strangely attracted to her.  but approaching her would require a little more thought than any normal proposition.  i wonder if she’s dating anyone.  i thought for a while she was.  but, hell, i wouldn’t know…. today, the bidding for pete’s monitor was over.  we made a good deal, except, we have to ship the monitor to hawaii… its ridiculous.  i saw some people in the library fountain the other day. they put all this bubble stuff in there… made a big mess… whoopie.  you know, i just had a thought.  im talking with chen right now and our relationship is friendly… and i just thought, for the briefest second, that i could see myself dating her in the future… just like… some crazy ass idea that just pops in your head.  were friends first, then dating, then watever… seems the logical course of events… ne?  watever.  thats stupid.  she sends me all these funny pictures of her.  haha…  she always asks me to smile… i can’t smile on cue.  i suck at it.  oh shit.  what else is going on… i went to the wrong building today for japanese… that was bad.  got there late, and almost tripped on my chair walking in… brilliant…  i found myself a little behind in that class…. i gotta study some more… ne?  CS… damn, that class scares me.  i haven’t really started the homework… and i really should… cause it’s going to be a bitch… and i hate unix…  oh well…  saw aileen and anna during my freestyle session today.  good looking girls.  aileen in the good girl, anna is the bad girl.  haha… they seem to balance eachother out…  but i really wonder what makes them tick… and felineth… especially her…  i can’t seem to dive deep enough into her own thoughts… its so damn hard to get thru to her.  some kind of defense mechanism perhaps…?  or what.  i ate with kym, lei and wendy today at the SC.  they wanna start a sorority here… well, kym does… we’ll see how that goes.  good luck to them, or i should say, good luck to kym.  its her endeavor, let her take it as far as she can.  she can do it… on a side note, she’s lost some weight… its obvious.  im proud of her.  she looks great.  i got a football ticket for sundays game against vanderbilt… will i go?  i dunno.  we’ll see.  i guess i should go at least one time.  benjie has been thru some pain lately with his disease.  I pray to God that he will get thru this and stay strong.  He’s a good guy.  I’d hate for him to have to drop out of school because of it.  I worry about him.  He’s a fine friend.  i learned more about my digital camera today.  it has macro and depth and delay shots for night… cool!  i can’t wait to try it out.  im gonna become a big photo junky.. word.  this week has gone by real fast…  i don’t know why.  today is friday, and i have psych 1000 again.  hopefully ill get a good group of kids from the class… itll be fun, and ill make sure they have fun too.  i wanna be a good role model and tell them the truth about tech.  i want them to be able to recognize me on campus and for me to be able to say hi to them.  that would be really good for them.  it would have been nice for me last year…. i guess that why i wanted to do this.  so i could mentor these kids… and help them thru their first year… since ihad such a shitty ass year… i never want anyone to have to go thru that kind of bullshit like i had to… that just simply ridiculous.  i talked with wendy about getting some stuff this weekend… on the chart is… shoes, linoleum, haircut… yeah right…. ear piercing…, shipping the monitor… what else… i dunno.  spend spend spend… need more money…. doh.  i guess im done now… ill just wrap this up and i wanna say some things to wendy while she’s gone… just drop some lines to her.  tell her that i care… just normal stuff. *sigh… well, edy’s on, and she’s talking to me.  lets roll…. shall we?