What have I done…
We wept together on that plateau of time,
Our dying tears joined Earth’s in swirls of pain,
And from our union ushered forth a cry
Of innocence that drowned in pools of love.
We found in passion that which made our Fear
Flee into nothingness – a slave to Hope.
I see her still remain, alone now, yet I hope
That I will see her and not vanish in time;
No man exerts control over his fear
Who does not understand the truth of pain;
It is the seed of wisdom and of love,
The force that gives us strength to laugh, to cry.
We stood in triumph, Truth and Love our cry,
The war within our soulds raged on, with hope
Our only weapon in defense of love.
We had unleashed unvanquished passion – time,
The universal healer, eased my pain
And brought to light the powers left to fear.
Inside each heart there lives that beast called Fear,
A predator all living men decry;
It feeds on ignorance and mates with pain,
Creates an emptiness befreft of hope.
We were strong, the ones who would, in time,
Defeat the ragin animal, with love.
We searched the consummation of our love
To find the ageless power that would fear
Annihilate, closing the wounds her time
Had visited upon us; Reason’s cry
Released a symphony of joy and hope,
Divinely beautiful, beyond all pain.
It was an act forbidden us, on pain
Of self-discovery – we dared to love,
Two spirits burning endlessly with hope
And bounding in those water that saw Fear
Fade from our vision, echoing the cry
That calmed the storm, if only for a time.
I tremble now, my hope consumed by pain,
To think that Time diminishes my love;
For Fear that died without her here, I cry.
I can’t remember ever being this devoid of thought and emotion. I’m left speachless. I’ve made mistakes in my life, but none ever like this. She told me its over. And yet, I still have something inside me that is hers. I want it to go. I want it to leave me. Its stuck, and I can’t touch it or deal with it. Its rooted deeply inside, caged up and awaiting the day to return to the surface. Whether it is ever set free or become a lost and fading memory is up to her. I have become that which I’ve never wanted to become…
I still have her ring. I’m wearing it today, like everyday since she’s given it to me. It’s nothing too extravagant or special, but it has special meaning. I was in the middle of a conference with my co-workers at my internship, and i didn’t hear one word. I was just turning it over and over and over on my ring finger. Just turning and turning… When i was driving back from my lunch break, i was twirling around between my index finger and thumb, hanging it outside the window. A gust of wind blew it out of my hand, into the highway. In a moment that seemed like an hour of deliberation, I swerved into the median and parked the car. I ran back, and was looking for it in the street. I had to like dodge about 2 cars in order to claim it as my own again. It just seems like I don’t wanna lose it. It wants to drop out of my hand and fall off and be lost to me forever. But, I just can’t seem to part with it. It is one of the few physical things that I have from her, and I just can’t seem to let it go. I almost wanted to leave it out there. To be run over my thousands of vehicles and we thrown into a ditch and forgotten. But it won’t happen. I had to have it back, if only to remind me of the few moments that i shared with someone that drew me closer to paradise… It seems that life is like that for me. I pick up things here and there, and some of them are forgotten over time, but the things that I know will impact me for the rest of my life stay with me. And, its a very rare occassion that something sticks with me, but i know it from the start. Ill never lose this ring. if it breaks apart or crushed or watever, ill keep the pieces with me. Just like apart of her… It’s still with me and will be with me always, whether I ever get to see her or never again… I’ll pretty much leave that up to her… I know she’s mad. I know she’s disappointed. I know she may never find it in herself to forgive me. I know she thinks I’m weak. She knows it all, and I find myself on my knees, with my head in my hands, rocking gently back and forth, with tears streaming down my face, and sobs echoing out of my limp lungs. No, these aren’t tears for myself, I do not deserve any. They are tears for her. They burn as they slide down my face, and taste like acid as they enter my lips, and as they drop and hit my knees, they turn black and scorch my skin like salt on an open wound. I bleed… I am lost to this void of despair and guilt. I find myself thinking about whether days will go by and whether she’ll be on my mind. I have been tormented by memory, and haunted by the unknown future. She no longer wants anything to do with my life. The choices she makes will no longer be guided and influenced by my existence… I wonder, does she feel free? Free from the bonds that kept her driving so hard to the brink of everlasting love, where I merely needed to guide her, but failed? Is she flying high, high above me, never to look upon my face, staring at the clear sky. She must be… She’s flown so high I can barely see her. I reach out to her and call her name, but my throat is dry and lips are parched with thirst. No sound exits my mouth, and I stand there clawing at the sky, trying to make a mark. Alas. It is a near futile attempt at something that is nearly impossible now. I am drowning. I see the light. It is her. Yet, I see no possibility of return. She alone guides her own path now. I do not deserve to be saved from the wreckage that I have created. Let me drown in grief. It needs no company. I know it. It pierces that of the greatest armor. Grief, sorrow, and despair alone reign champion now, and I am bound to their will. They know I have failed and have come to claim their due. I know that I failed… I think that is what hurts the most. My own realization of utter failure. Failure as a person. Failure as a friend. Failure as something that was so close to being the ultimate finality that… ugh… I can say no more…
The ring still glides upon my finger, its jewels blaring bright in the light. It’s frame, coarse, yet light and fair. It holds a secrete beauty… One that cannot be discovered until after lost. But I know its there. It is there. I have no doubt.
I am cold. It’s cold in here. Trapped. Alone.
And its all my fault.
The ring sits there… Laughing at me. Taunting me, teasing me about love lost. It is a curse which I shall bear alone. I will not lose the pain that it holds and represents. It is a part of me, like her. I wonder if she feels the same.
Yet, I’m afraid it is not so. Hate is such a strong word… I really dislike using it. It describes that which is totally undesirable. She hates how she loved me. That is almost more than I can bear. She desires to quickly eliminate any feelings she has had for me. That i can understand. Yet, that too is almost more than I can bear. But… I suppose it was my due. And… I sit blankly looking at this screen, wondering what more to write. No thoughts leave my war-ridden mind, nothing can i see thru these teary-stained eyes… Again the ring laughs at me…
There is something she wrote me, long time ago. It’s the only thing that I’ve kept from her in writing… She once wrote…
Late at night, when all the world is sleeping
I stay up late and think of you,
and wish upon a star,
that somewhere you are
thinking of me too…
‘Cause I’m dreaming of you tonight
‘Til tomorrow I’ll be holding you tight
there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be
Than here in my room dreaming about you and me…
And like it all began, with a dream, it ends. A dream shattered, fragments thrown across the sands of time. Time will heal us. Time may even start putting the pieces back together… But, like the distance between me and the stars… It’s a longshot in the dark…
I think I’ll end this log now. I am exhausted. I’m not sure if ill ever return to writing here at xanga… My entries have been about nothing except her. Leaving it would be therapy in some sort of way, detatching myself from something so painful… We’ll just have to see…
But, so far, today… I’ve managed to make it thru the entire day at work not doing a damn thing. I found time to actually go and read her stuff she has wrote, now that its finished. I told her that I wouldn’t, and I kept that promise up till now. I guess i shouldn’t have because her writing pierces my heart and soul. It’s all there… From start to finish, and everything in between… To the very first till the very last, it’s all there. Clear and True.
And its so damn painful…All I’ve thought about was her, and the experiences we’ve shared, and the possibilities that had been laid before us. I’ve deserved everything that I have recieved. It was my fault. I’ve said so many things to her, but I’ll never be able to say this enough… I’m sorry…