Rippin it up old skool style

Yah, well, petakun y yo are rippin it up old skool style with some nice ass mills now.  I say, once again, don’t sweat the technique, for real!  and the flares are coming along… How hot would it be if I were to get those before going back to tech…? 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  that would be too hot.  So yeah, I really don’t know what i wanna talk about right now.  I’m sort of just chillin, talking to anna and frough, and keepin it real.  im stealing some shizit from frough, some good movies.  he’s a cool kid, he’s gonna go places, i swear it.  really nice and intelligent, but people don’t give him any respect.  too bad, cause he’s dope.  right now, im sippin on a very fine fruit drink, which is actually the name of it,… good h20, for real.  natural lemon for da nine!  haha… nevermind.  chen was gonna talk to me about something, but she never gets online… and im doing way too much coding now adays…  im think im turning down a road that im not sure i wanna do…  i mean, im getting damn good at actionscript coding, which is scary as shizit, because, im enjoying it and im just not like that…  whatever you gotta do i guess.  and you know whats even more sick?  im gonna see if i can extend my internship thru the year while im at tech.  gonna work remotely, since im like the only one that can code in this language.  interesting, ne?  you know what im doing a lot at work right now… im doing a lot of the online forums, helping other actionscripters out with their problems… doing code for them and stuff. it keeps the mind busy.  just thinking… sort of… exercise for the mind and all…  i called raina up today, and asked her if she wanted to do anything. i think things have changed between her and i… i can’t quite be sure of what, but i think time changes everything.  i dunno, maybe its just me.  she’s just… so… liberal…?  i dunno, just open and all. just a normal girl, well, not normal, she’s highly intelligent and bright… she’s doing work at the local mayo clinic, which is where my sis is working too.  i wonder how her relationship with her boi is.  how thats working out… i guess ill find out this weekend. i asked her to go out and just chill sometime, maybe tomorrow or sunday… just to chat and catch up with things…  see how its all been played out and where she is and whats she been up to.. i know how its gonna go down too.. im gonna do a lot of talking and she’s gonna do a lot of listening… i hope it doesnt go down that way, but it probably will.  thats’ what i love about her.  she’s a great listener, almost too great.  sometimes,, and i remember, coaxing her into talking, just… sometimes, i would get mad that i would end up doing all the talking and she would just sit there and listen and take it all in and when i say… whats on your mind.. she says… nothign and i know that not how it is… she’s just a private character…  and i guess she’s just like that… but… i dunno. sometimes i wish i could read her mind… she’s so smart and she’s a strong girl… no, she’s a strong woman now i guess.  thats why i fell for her, she’s so strong.  and so strong i couldn’t hang on. im sorry raina. ive made so many mistakes in my life and im doing it all over again and again and again and im so damn sorry.  raina, i wish i could take it all back.  i never really appreciated you… and now i think im so damn far away from you now that tomorrow or sunday, im just gonna look stupid.  your better off, and thats how it is.  im on the losing side it seems, always.  retrospect is so harsh sometimes… i hate it.  ah… raina.  i wonder what you’ve been up to.  a whole year has passed, and ive wasted the entire summer not calling you up.  i wanted to, i really did.  but… i was a lazy ass.  i know your there for me though, cause if i need someone to talk to, your there. your silent existence for me is so encouraging.  even when you don’t speak. i know you know and thats good. it makes me happy… thank you girl.  im gonna see you and im gonna just say… the first thing im gonna say to you is ‘thanks for everything’… your gonna be like ‘what?’, but i don’t care.  we’ll see how it all goes down.  anna just left.  i guess i should drop now, but im trying to tune out peter and his convo with mallory.. what an asshole, he just hung up on her… stupid mother#$*(!@… whatever, his deal, right?  i can just sit back and watch.  you know what.  i want a cool dream tonight… can i get a cool dream tonight Lord?  I’ve had some cool ones, real good, but i want one that just takes me away from it all. just leaves me breathless and keeps me rivoted…  just drop it to me. and… watever.  i dunno.  its just gonna fly…………………….  you know, this is gonna be random, but i don’t care, since this all this shizit is random anyway, but i was thinking… every mon, wed, friday, i work out at the gym with petakun, and there is always this nasty, and i mean, dike-of-a-women there working out as well.. she’s too damn old and nasty and why the hell is she wearing those tight spandex style stuff? i dun wanna see that shit and *ack, it makes me wanna vomit right then and there… i have to conciously put my head down and do all my exercises and shit cause i dun wanna see that nasty ass lady… *ack. im dying…………  just … don’t come anymore, shizit lady….. i just realize that this window im sitting next to has been open, well, the curtain anyway, and im sitting here with nothing but a towel, and i just so happen to look out and their is a lady, my next door neighbor looking at me… and im like… wtf…. she closes the blinds and i do the same, mad quick… wtf… ive never noticed that, ever…  damn…  i had to move my lappy from the other room cause my cousins are here and we need that table for eating and stuff… yah, but its all good, cause im on a wireless setup here and i can go anywhere around the house… true. thank goodness for technology, for real? can i get a shoutout for technology?  word up…  such a techie… such a great song here…

God, i love her music, its so damn good.

Here we are…
Face to face…
We forget, time and place…
Hold me now,
Don’t let go,
Though it hurts and we both know…
The time we spend together’s gonna fly…
And everything you do to me…
Is gonna feel so right…
Baby when you’re loving me…
I feel like I could cry…
‘Cause there’s nothing I can do…
To keep from loving you…

Here we are…
All alone…
Trembling hearts, beating strong…
Reaching out, a breathless kiss…
I never thought could feel like this…
I want to stop the time from passing by…
I wanna close my eyes and feel your lips are touching mine…
Baby when you’re close to me…
I want you more each time…
And there’s nothing I can do,
to keep from loving you..

There’s nothing I can do,
I’m helpless in your arms…
Oh baby what you do,
I’m in love, this is it…
There’s no turning back this time…
No no no…

Here we are…
Once again…
But this time we’re only friends…
Funny world…
Sometimes lies…
Become the game, when love’s the prize…
And though no one knows what’s going on inside…
And all the love I feel for you…
Is something I should hide…
When I have you close to me…
The feeling’s so sublime…
That there’s nothing I can do…
To keep from loving you…
No, no, no, Can’t keep from loving you baby no, no, no…


so good…  such a beautiful name too… just rolls off the lips… ah… soo good.  i think my dad just got in, he was picking up my uncle from the airport from ATL.  for real…  Walt is such a badass.  he graduated from Tech a while back is one of the smartest men I’ve met.  just a good guy he is.  Great uncle… cool, gotta go say hi.   haha, you know what else is sort of cool, we somehow acquired a cat without me knowing… it seems like a friend of my sisters is on vacation and we’re in charge of this cat.  very young cat, not a kitten, but not an adult either.  very cute and neat.  i think my mom is gonna get my sis a cat for christmas, cause, she’s addicted to em… oh well, i aint gonna be around… i want a dog yo, a beagle named snoopy.  haha. for real, you think im joking… im not…. and this song sucks. next one… change the game (instrumental) by jay-z… i hate his lyrics, but his beats rock steady… so, they cut fresh, so gotta give it up.  good break beats, word.  and petakun just called mallory again… word.  lets see, i need more fruit20 cause this water is da shizit!… *ack. no more.    doh… lets see.  ah, this is a good ass song too.  lara fabian, i guess, the dream within theme song from final fantasy… i guess iim just in that kinda of mood… word…


Free…
the Dream Within…
The stars are Crying…
A Tear…
a Sigh, Escapes from Heaven…
And Worlds End…

Breathe…
the Dream Within…
The Mystifying…
We Tremble and Spin…
Suspended Within…

Look Beyond…
Where Hearts, Can See…
Dream, In Peace…
Trust Love…
Believe…
We Tremble and Spin…
Suspended Within…

Free…
the Dream Within…
The Voices Calling…
A Song…
a Prayer…
From Deep Inside You…
To Guide You…

Be…
the Dream Within…
The Light is shining…
A Flame On The Wind…
Salvation Begins…

Look…
Beyond…
Where Hearts, Can See…
Dream In Peace…
Trust Love…
Believe…
We Tremble and Spin…
Suspended Within…

Free…
the Dream Within…
The Stars are Crying…
A Tear, a Sigh…
Escapes from Heaven…
And Worlds End…………………………..


love her voice… hmm. what now…  I just wanna get this all over with… i dunno… it beckons… keep it away… please…  please…  i dunno what to do…  i guess im done here…  goodbye.  leave it all behind… just pick up and leave…  hey, i know your reading this edy.  why dont u just drop me a line… anything.  give me something here… how can i work without any material…?  well, maybe its best this way.  but, i dunno.  ive got 2 weeks left at work.  then another 4 days with nothing to do until i pack up and head off for another year…  starting over is scary, but we all have to do it.  so does the cycle begin again?  does it?  tell me.  should it? or should it be left in the dust from whence it came, and let it rot and die.  i don’t care.  if your gonna be like this, then thats fine.  it reflects everything that i knew was going on, and it meets all my expectations.  so thats good.  you know, its just sad you gotta end it all on a bad note.  always gotta get the last line in, ne?  then drop me like that.  and of course, this just aint any other line someone gives someone before they log off on your ass and leave nothing but a trace of misery and desparation.  thankx.  you know it.  you know whats gone down, and well, your just gonna have to live with it and thats the way it is.. move on.  i am.  move on to something new.  stop. and just go.  you left me with nothing substantial to work with. so thats just gotta be it.  with nothing, i have nothing.  and i heard you can’t fight love, so i won’t, and i won’t bitch about it.  love is funny.  it has a mind of its own, and declares its own property without you knowing, and then you just so happen to recognize it and boom, there you have it, and when it decides to turn its back, your still looking the other way, ignorant of what has transpired, until its way beyond the point of return and you see nothing but dust… ashes, from the burnt plain of despair.  hell’s landscape lays before me and i get scared.  damn all this nonsense.  i don’t care anymore.. why can’t i drop it… why… theres something missing, and i know its there and i know phucking why, and im so damn sick of it all, i just wanna collapse into a puddle of agony and ride it all out, with the pain destroying my mind and the joyless shout of freedom running away.  negativity is all that drives me right now and im so damn bitter, and you know what, i wasn’t this way just a couple minutes ago.  i just changed… im just so volatile sometimes… i was happy, and now im not. and im just going along with it all.  sweet misery…  sweet sweet misery.  bittersweet misery that gives you a bad aftertaste and hits you like a punch to the face and leaves you bleeding drops of red vitae to the floor… the life blood of something for nothing, and thats what i get right now.  argh… stretch… breathe… just leave… and leave it now and submit this damn blog to the damn ethernet wireless port that its connected to and leave it all out there… and what then… ack, like i can sleep… i dunno even where im going anymore with this damn blog.   shizit.  where am i going.  forget about it girl.  i dun need it.  im perfectly fine without.  ill do without and ill find it again. somewhere else perhaps…  but i have the strangest feeling that… nah… can’t be…  could it?  could it… be… fate knocking on my door?  im not opening that god-forsaken bitch.  cause i don’t answer to bullshit.  and you know what.  im been ignoring him for such a long ass time that… i dunno.  i am in control… well. as long… well, i dunno…  i dunno.  how about it Lord… how about it?  how about it… one of your own is lost and now im wondering where the hell the exit is and i see none.  Good God.  hey, but i aint trippin.  cause I know Your there for me, and hell, thats all i need, right?  in the darkest time, You are the Light…  but sometimes i can’t see it… i thought you were on my side here…. why do i feel so alone again…?  i thought, of all people…. nah, more bullshit…  it just doesnt fit.  like a bad puzzle.  look…  see…?  see it…?  no… i didn’t think so……. shit… im sorry…  this kinda shit leaves me breathless… let it all hang out, ne?  i wanted to fly…. i wanted to… please… help me…?  just once… for one time… and ill leave it all…  just once… give me a boost… i can do it… from here… yeah… here… right… you got it… nah… comon… don’t leave…!  one time… just once…  please…  i can’t do it without you.


Nov, 24th, 2002 [p]