So Vivid These Days

My dreams are so vivid these days, full of interesting nonsense and whimsical fantasies. 

Everyone is so clear… and I can remember almost everything that happened in them.  I wish I could record them, like Aki Ross does in her movie.  Review them and see what they are trying to tell me.  Do dreams open that mystical portal into the unknown realm of the subconcious?  Are they delivering undeniable portents of the future to come?  Are they warnings, or deliver signs of unanswerable fate.  Or do they percieve what the mind wants, but what the body cannot have…  Do they describe unearthly things and tempt you with forsaken truths, or do they just describe your fantasies, even if so delerious and digusting.  I wonder.  Sometimes they show me things that make me sick.  Sometimes I see things I never want, or want to happen.  Sometimes they show me things that I’ve never thought of and now wish and yearn for.  Dreams… it has its own magic, but I cannot connect with their true meaning and purpose.  Sometimes I wish they showed me the future, and what will be.  Of course, other times I hope they don’t.  I travel from the present to an unknown void in time, and from there i go backwards and forwards, toward the future or the past, and see things that are undeniable yet…  somehow.  I just can’t bring myself to believe sometimes…  Put my trust in a dream u say?  Bullshit.  It’s like when I dream that I’m watching some gross conflict of enourmous proportions between two rivaling super heroes… What am I supposed to think?  I fall a off a skyscraper and live, only to get a bruise on my leg…  Or that I get a package in the mail, and it has contents that when stuck onto my SUV, will make it fly.  First of all, I don’t have an SUV…  I dont’ get it.  These dreams are badass, but, they don’t make sense sometimes…  But other times, they are very real and are so real I wake up and think twice about whether it really happened or will happen or has happened…  and I come THIS close to believe that it wasn’t just some figment of my imagination…  I enjoy dreams.  They show me undying love, perfect happiness, and unflinching commitment to the one I love.  Of course, I never seem to be able to remember who she was.  Dreams perfect that which sometimes I believe can never be perfect here.  Relationships are never questioned in dreams.  I never have any conflicts.  It’s just me and her.  And we’re always happy.  I probably could take a lesson or two from my dreams on relationships, since they always work out fine.  Is that what they are here for?  Lessons in life?  I dunno.  I never seem to heed them enough.  Am I wasting my time i think…  I dunno.  Dreams.  Sometimes I wake up from one and get so damn pissed cause it was such a good dream and I didn’t want it to end.  I’d rather be in a state of perfect bliss in a superficial world then sometimes have to wake up and face the rough day ahead.  Vanilla Sky style with Tom Cruise, just listfully thinking everything was real, when in fact your in a dream world… Except, for him, everything starts messing up…  Maybe I wake up just before things start to get ugly, and my mind saves me from the dream, knowing that the perfectness is only temporary, and letting me continue it would only be destructive…  Keeping me in a state of ignorance and belief that, yes, it was a perfect dream.  Sometimes I wake up and try desperately to fall asleep and continue on that mystical journey that i was taking.  Sometimes, which is a really cool, I can get back on track and start the dream right from where I left off.  Other times i fade into nothingness… and other times I dream a whole new dream.  I don’t think anyone will ever understand the meaning of dreams and why we have them…  We all can believe what we like, which, is a gift from God because we all have free will.  I dunno.  Right now, it’s a Friday.  I woke up from that flying SUV thing and quite frankly, I don’t feel like going to workin a half hour.  I’m sitting here with my boxers and a Propel water in my hand… wondering…  what to do with my life.  One of those solemn and quiet moments you have with yourself, wondering where your going, where you’ve been, and why your there…  Whats going on, what can’t you control, what can you control and what you don’t wanna control in your life.  Why things are going this way, and that way, and in some cases, aren’t going anywhere.  Why life is like this, like that, and sometimes devoid of anything substancial.  Quiet reflection with only the sounds of my continuous low tone beat of my swift fingers over the keyboard.  They beg for reprieve.  I’ll give them it in a second or two… let me stretch… ahhhhhhhhh nothing like a deep yawn and a morning stretch to get you back to your senses.  Time to go get a shower.  I’ll be back…  I always seem to find my way back…

Nov, 24th, 2002 [p]