Song of Songs

It’s 12:33 in the morning here on saturday.  Today was pretty lame.  It was just long and low key.  Went to get something to eat… And, I forget where we ate.  Oh well.  Went to the Whitefields and spent pretty much the whole day there.  Thank goodness we had gongee.  Played that pretty much the whole time we were there.  It was the 2nd day I’ve played it and now I’m pretty competent at it now.  Can’t even represent against Su or Miso or Ben or anything, but, I can handle it well enough.  I’ve got my entire family into it now…  :)  Haha.  It’s pretty fun.  Very consuming and… yeah… time consuming.  But, that was pretty much the whole day.  I wasn’t really focused today Lord.  *ack.  When I look back on today, I was pretty much bumming around, doing nothing, and thinking nothing.  Kinda lame day, as I said before… ANd now, tonight, it’s my turn to take a night on the couch.  How fun.  From what I hear, it’s pretty uncomfortable.  I don’t think I’ve ever minded the couch, I don’t find it that uncomfortable anyways…  Well, let me dive into the Word a bit.  I wanna get thru 1st Samuel and read about him and David.  I think there is a lot to read there.   Well, I know there is…  …  Well, today, I decided to read a lot more of 1st Samuel.  I read from the 2nd chapter to the 8th, and, although, thats not a lot in length, its a lot in the Word.  The last couple of chapters had a lot of stuff in it.  This time, it was a good amount.  First thing I thought about here was about how anyone could possibly say that the Bible is boring.  Cause, these chapters are so action packed.  God here, in His Ark, is representing so hard on the Philistines and the sinful people.  I mean, just His presence thru an Ark can send out plagues and kill many, just because it is in their land.  That’s kinda cool.  I also noticed some good references to sacrifices here.  How, it was very comon to give sacrifices to the Lord.  THis just made me think Father…  What could I possibly have to offer You as a sacrifice for my sins…  for the stuff I do every single day…?  These people had guidelines it seemed, like, take a weaned calf and offer that, as well as choreographed actions and whatever to go with it.  We don’t really do that today Lord.  We don’t go around slaughtering cows and animals and what not in Your name…  How would You have us do this today?  I can think that I can just have my body be that of a living sacrifice, every single day, and that I must keep this body holy and clean, without sin, for it is Your temple of Your word, but, You know, that’s neat and all, but… I dunno.  I guess I’m just looking for something more concrete.  I guess I should just concentrate on this living sacrifice that I have… or maybe, the time I have to worship You and focus on You.  I should sacrifice my time… well, that doesn’t sound quite right.  I shouldn’t really sacrifice time, I should make time for You.  It’s not like it should be something disrupting… It should be a every single day thing…  I offer to You my time, my energy, my thoughts, actions, and the products of such things, but I don’t sacrifice them to You, do I…?  What do I have to sacrifice to You, my God…?  I can’t think Lord, this is strange.  I’ve been sitting here for a couple minutes just thinking…  Why is this so difficult.  What do I… or could I… sacrifice…?  I mean, if the time came, for me to make a decision to sacrifice myself for You, then… yeah, I guess.  I keep thinking about this one example, of how a bunch of Christians are worshipping in Church and anti-Christian forces of some kind break in with weapons and threaten to kill anyone who stays to worship, and how there are some that leave and some that stay and the ones that stay are ready to make the ultimate sacrifice with their lives for You.  I wonder if I could do that Lord.  I think I could.  I think I could be so stubborn to do so, and, besides, I love You so much, Your own son did the same.  WHy shouldn’t I be able to return the favor…?  *sigh*  But, I’m not in that situation everysingle day… In fact, I may never be in that situation.  WHat can I sacrifice to You, my God…?  My body.  As a vehicle of Your word.  I can sacrifice it on the earthly level and world and give it up to You and Your word and of Your spirit… That’s what…!  I can give it up to You, everysingle day, and dedicate it to Your will and Your word.  Make it not a vehicle bound to this earth and these earthly temptations or desires, but of those that You would have me follow, of godly motivations and desires.  Lord.  That’s what I have to do every single day.  I have to get up each morning and dedicate and sacrifice this body for Your cause and Your will.  Lord.  I do not think about that when I get up.  I need to do that.  From now on, I need to get up and pray to You for this kind of sacrifice.  Of my mind, will, and spirit.  For my love and my body and my thoughts and desires, and motivations, and actions and all the results that come about of them. I need to sacrifice this earthly body for a spiritual one.  That of a warrior of the LOrd.  Father, help me do this everyday.  I need to make it a priority of one of the things that I do each morning.  And, I pray that I can maintain that attitude the entire day, that it may not be temporal.  That it may last the entire day and into the night and the next morning will it will be strong as ever and my words and my prayers of that day are just to strengthen and help me focus all the more.  Ah…  This makes much more sense now Lord.  That was neat.  I was totally lost for words and ideas a couple minutes ago…  Cool.  Thanks for the hint.  I was close the first time… But, I wasn’t really on track.  Hmmm.  This is a perfect example of what journaling and reading the bible can do.  Man, if I learn something like this every night, then, man, how much don’t I know…?  How ignorant am I really…?  Man… What the…  Darn…  …  Oh well.  It’s so worth it to dive into the word and read into it and bring something out of it.  Even though prayer wasn’t that big of a focus in these chapters, it hit me as something important.  Thanks God, You had my attention goto that idea.  Thanks.  All for You GOd, all for You.  I’m gonna get some rest now Lord.  My prayers are the same as ever.  Continue to bless us Lord.  Look over all of us during this Christmas season and New Year.  Help us not fall to temptation and grant us strength to overcome whatever we’re battling.  Help us focus on You and nothing else.  Grant us deliverance from them. Thank You again for this season of happiness and again for the birth of Your son Jesus.  What a great thing You have done for us.  ANd, of course, Thank You for loving us Lord.  We never deserve it, but, You give it to us anyway.  Muchos Gracias Papa.  And, uh, night Lord.  I’ll see You tomorrow.

Still Saturday, but, its about 10:00 pm now.  Again.  Another ‘action packed’ day with the Saddington family.  Went to see Valley Forge.  Another historical adventure that father wanted to check out.  It was fairly chilly day, and we went out there with the Lefferts and the Gerhards, and it was alright.  Snow ball fights were much more interesting.  Valley Forge.  Where our Continental army, i guess, chilled for a couple brutal winters.  We checked out some of the cabins where the soldiers slept.  Not too nice a place.  Oh well.  Visited George Washington’s house… well, at least in Valley Forge.  I’m glad that they had the courage to fight it out in the winters to fight for our independence.  True courage.  Thanks again to all those that fought and gave their lives for freedom.  We then headed out to some botanical reserve or something.  A huge indoor garden in the middle of winter.  That was kind of neat.  Lots of beautiful flowers and flora in general.  Got some interesting pictures of that experience I believe.  After that, headed to a nice restaurant, got some good food, said our goodbyes to the Lefferts family and grandmammy, and then headed over to borders to get some books.  I didn’t get anything and then we headed back to the hotel, where I am now.  Pretty much, it was another full day with all these long and… well, frankly, somewhat boring activities, but, oh well.  I wasn’t feeling too good, since, this morning I really got upset with petakun and his focus.  He really is critical of everything and I have to be so careful with what I say and how I act and what all my reactions are.  He’s looking so closely, to identify anything wrong.  And, he finds pretty much everyone of them.  Mostly, its just he wants to find me prove his theories that I’m just a hypocritical and contradictory person.  If I rebuke him on something, he feels like its necessary to ‘get me back’, or retaliate in some form.  That’s just not how it goes.  Lord, he really got me upset this morning.  And, then, father asked me what was wrong, and I blew up telling him that around this family I get frustrated because no one is really focused on the Lord and I’m not being held accountable and I don’t see anyone in my family interested in advancing their walks with You, Lord.  I feel like we’re all lulled into spiritual complacency and are happy where we are.  I feel like it, and I almost feel like I’m being dragged down.  I really, for the first time, really wanted to give up on this family and just get back to my school and get back to the people who are focused as well so that I could continue on my walk… But, that is so wrong God, I know.  I can’t just give up on people just because they are not getting it the first time.  I mean, Jesus… You never gave up, and those people weren’t even Christian in some respects.  At least my family is Christian…  I have it so much easier, why in the world should I be complaining…?  I have no idea.  I’m just being babo.  I’m being selfish and wanting the rest of my family to… catch up to me or something.  Forget it John.  YOu can’t do it that way.  You have to just help them focus on the Lord.  Not catch up to anyone, not come to meet you anywhere… Just help them on their own walks, and in turn, you can help yourself.  man.. I’m so babo sometimes… This morning Lord, I was just being given a perfect chance to prove my self-control and show how my actions are based out of love, and Lord, I failed so hard.  I just got upset and backed down the challenges that were approaching me.  Instead, I felt like I wanted to run away… back to something more approachable and workable… But, Lord, I know this is preparing me for leadership Lord, and God… I’m not doing so well here…  Please.  Keep me focused.  Focused on You.  Focused on Love.  Love that will just guide my tongue and all my actions.  If I am… Then, everything will be motivated for the good, not to put people down or to get upset or anything.  Lord.  Help me with this.  Help me to not get frustrated with my family.  Lord, Father.  All I want is for them to come to get to know You better.  It’s not a selfish plea or something that I’m getting out of it.  I want them to come to You Lord, and realize the Love that You have for them, that is waiting for them.  I know that they ‘know’ it, in their minds, but, is it truly in their hearts…?  Lord God… I just don’t know where to go…  Man… I know… I know… I should just be there… and thru my own action and dedication and works, I should be able to just be Your vehicle and shine Your light, and thru my actions, not words, or anything, help them see.  Lord.  It’s so much harder to do that.  It’s so much easier to fill the void with my voice, even if it isn’t completely true with Your word… Lord.  Help me be a man of action, action based out of love, and nothing else.  Help me hold my tongue.  Help me communicate thru listening to my family, seeing where they want help, and thru actions, not thru words, communicate answers.  Lord.  Help me.  I can’t do this without You Lord.  Help me.  Please…  I can do it.  I can do it.  Just, give me the strength Lord.  I can’t do it without You.  I can do it with You.  Without You, I am nothing.  With You, I am worth something.  I am of value.  I am worth something. Lord, just guide my actions, speak for me, and the results will be for You, of You, and will glorify You.  Lord, that is all i seek for my family.  I do with the best.  I love them all.  I wish it were a little easier…  But, I know it won’t get any easier.  But, I’m up for it Lord.  Just prepare me.  Just prepare me.  I know You will guide me and give me strength.  *sigh…  Today, at Borders, I saw a very disturbing book.  It was big, with this big female face on the cover.  Its’ title was of something like…  ‘Female Beauty’, or something like that and the sub-title, or words underneath those two read: “Everything You Need to Know to Look Sexy, Attractive, and Hot.”  …  Not in those words exactly, but pretty much.  ANd, I flipped thru it.  All it did was promote female physical beauty.  I was so sick.  I wanted to burn every single copy.  But, of course, that wasn’t really an option.  It made me sad that books like this were out there and people will buy them and use them and apply these… ‘techniques’, to glorify something that doesn’t mean anything.  This greatly saddened me.  I’m not sure what I could do.  I felt helpless.  I wanted to hide them.  I could only imagine how many young women would see this and actually believe that physical beauty had value and importance.  This society says so.  This society… this world, is so focused on it.  It’s actually funny… are we all really that blind…?  How long was I blind…?  I was so blind for so long.  I have since them opened my eyes, with the help of some fellow brothers.  It has been a long and steady progress, but, its been so worth it.  The things that I see in people are so much more important that whats on the outside.  I see fellow sisters, and as I look beyond what is on the outside, I see true beauty.  And, that, that… that is pure beauty.  That is the biggest turn on.  In their bodies I see a love for the Lord that isn’t hindered by earthly standards.  I see confidence in that idea, and in themselves as daughters of our Father.  I see true beauty.  I see power.  I see real intelligence and wisdom.  I see unguarded strength.  I see compassion.  I see beauty.  I see respect.  I see how others respect her.  I see how fellow sisters treat her, how they look up to her.  I see how other men are convicted even more because of that passion she has inside of her.  I see dignity.  I see care.  I see no idleness.  I see fear for the Lord.  And, of course, all this adds up to beauty.  I see beauty.  True beauty.  All this is from Proverbs 31.  None of it is fake.  And, these women are true, Godly women.  Biblical women.  Women that I would love to marry someday.  And, yet, they value nothing that the society values.  Isn’t that strange…?  An apparent contradiction… Yet.  It isn’t at all.  These women wear little to no makeup.  Their beauty is within, and, if they don’t know it, well… thats because they are humble.  And, if they know it, they dont’ say anything about it.  They are all of action, and their character speaks thru it.  How awesome it is to see them.  How they inspire me to get to know the Lord better.  Isn’t that the goal…?  Yeah.  It should be.  Relationships… again.  Man, how many times have I talked about them…?  Relationships should bring us closer to the Lord.  ANd, these women do just that.  Just make You wanna give more time to the Lord.  Inspiration.  And, You Love the Lord because of them, and, You love them because of the Love they have for the Lord.  It’s a complete win-win situation with women who would give their love first to the Lord and then to their husband.  Cause, You know that they would never forsake their love.  It would stay true.  And, if that was in the right, then, no need ever to worry about her and her walk, if it is straight and oriented on the Lord.  You and her could just grow and grow in love for the Lord and with eachother.  ANd, Lord, may You bless those that have found that.  Their lives couldn’t possibly be more fruitful.  Lord, I just hope that there is a woman out there that is like that.  That is orienting herself toward You.  That would love You more than she would love me.  And thru that, would only strengthen the love that we two would share, because it was of You.  Man.  I know.  I see the awesome women around me and I get full of hope cause, You Lord, have someone of that caliber and is gonna be perfect for me, or even better.  :)  I’m happy now.  But, this is way in the far future, and as far as I’m concerned, let me focus on You Lord.  When You think I’m ready, may You bless me with a relationship.  Let not me decide when I’m ready.  For, I am blind.  I could only try to see if it was of You and because of You.  I am a man.  Lord.  I can get tempted easily into relationships.  I know that.  May You decide for me when the time is right.  I could never make that call without having it be the wrong one.  You have the plan for me, not I.  I cannot make the calls.  I cannot call the shots.  My plans are definitely different from the one that You want me to do and complete.  I’ll just give it all to You.  Put it all on Your shoulders.  Haha.  thanks Lord.  Anyway… back to the point.  This book.  Made me upset, sortof.  I’ll just have to put faith in Your works Lord and Your plan for the people who see physical beauty as something that is worth more than dirt.  You will open their eyes.  I cannot.  oh well.  You know, on another note… I saw the entire movie ‘Braveheart’ during our car rides today.  That movie is so good.  Lord, the love that those two had for eachother was so awesome.  And William Wallace.  What a man.  He truly had passion and love for that woman.  He would die for her.  Lord.  That was awesome.  Even though, it wasn’t really God focused… That love Lord.  That passion.  It was so pure.  So strong.  Even if it wasn’t oriented toward You, just to see it…  How love can be such a motivation for actions.  Can move us to do things that we wouldn’t normally do.  Love that would move a man to take anothers.  Love that would conquer all, just to have it once again.  Lord.  This thing called Love.  It is so powerful…  You knew of its power, didn’t You…?  You knew.  I know You did.  How much trust it must have taken for You to give that to us, and to give us the choice to wield it any way that we’d like to.  You gave us the choice to use it for the good or pervert it and use it to corrupt and trick and deceive.  How many people say the word “love” and truly don’t mean it…?  Love is everlasting.  You cannot fall out of love.  If one says that they love another, they are forever bound to that statement.  Divorce isn’t an option.  Love cannot be taken back.  The Lord, our Father loves us all.  He would never take it back.  It is forever.  God, my Father… How many couples, young couples… relationships that I know of, in High School, in College, friends that I know of… How many of the throw that word ‘love’ around like it is a comma between sentences…?  Do they truly know the consequence and gravity of that word…?  Do they…?  Do I?   You gave me that word Lord, and I have used it for wrongful purposes in my wicked youth.  I was ignorant of the power that it held.  I used it in the wrong situations.  I used it as a crutch.  I used it as a key, to unlock things that should have never left their safe.  I used it for destruction and i perverted its’ very meaning.  I abused it and wasted its’ power on things that never deserved my love.  It was a weapon that stung and drew blood.  I bled.  They bled as well.  And my sins carried love with it to its dirty, dirty grave, for where it shall forever sit, for those trangressions are unchangeable.  They cower in my past and dare to challenge and usurp me now.  I am at odds.  Lord, forgive me of my youthful, rebellious ways.  I was too young to even think about using that word ‘love.’  But, I did.  And I was shocked at its power, and I learned the hard way of its consequences.  How many Lord… How many others will fall like I?  How many people today, that know, deep down, in their hearts, that they will not marry and keep their partners for a lifetime, use that word ‘love’?  I do not want to think or even throw out a guess.  Too many to possibly count that I know of.  I am saddened by this. 

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”
Song of Songs 2:7

God… My Father…  My Lord…!  Please, take care of those that stray and use Your ‘love’ as falsely as I once did.  Please, awaken them to power of that word and the gravity in which it is held.  Lord.  How did You ever…  Why… did You ever think we could possibly wield it responsibly…?  *sigh…  Lord, I know, that it is possible.  I know that it can be used for evil or for the good, and when it is for the good, it is the strongest thing in the world and can be of pure joy.  It is from You.  God, thank You for this gift, gift of Love.  Thank You for the opportunity to use it, even if we use it for purposes that aren’t as great as You would have liked us to use it for.  You gave us that choice, like our choice to love or hate You.  To follow You or forget You.  Freewill Lord. You gave that to us.  And with that, Love, and our ability and choice to use it as we see fit.  God, may I use it for the good.  May I use it to glorify You, and use it not as a weapon of deceit.  Lord, thru my experience I have seen the results.  I want only those that would benefit You and glorify You Lord.  I will keep love as a contract, bound to eternity.  Let me never forget of its importance and power.  And, may it not awaken until it desires.  And, until You call it to do so. …  What was I talking about originally…?  Oh, ‘Braveheart’.  True love.  Man, that movie is so good.

Just had a small talk with Petakun.  He wants to get a visectomy… Or, at least suggested it.  He asked me if I thought it was a sin.  I said, yes, but…  and then he just walked on on me.  He didn’t even let me finish what I had to said.  All he said was “Talk to Dad then.”  Well, here’s the thing.  I knew, from the moment he asked me a question like that, that he had a response already prepared and just wanted to trip me up.  that is so evil.  To have an answer already prepared and to purposely seek to trip me up.  Man, that is so sick… and so like petakun sometimes…  Anyway, I felt very compelled to explain myself.  I quickly, sort of asked God what… if He wanted me to talk to petakun about it.  I felt very compelled, so, I did.  I told petakun that I know of Father’s operation, but, I also see that Father’s walk with the Lord has been much longer than his.  Petakun’s walk has just begun, and I just told him that he doesnt’ have any idea about the plan that the Lord has for him and that petakun’s plan is mostlikely not the one that the Lord has for him.  Kids may be something that the Lord wants petakun to have.  I just think that his walk with God isn’t long or focused enough to make such a big decision yet.  It hasn’t been long enough to make that decision without a lot of thinking and recognizing the plan that God has for him.  So, in other words… I don’t think it would be a sin… per say… but, it would be not good not to recognize the Lord’s plan fully… which, would be a sin i guess… to be selfish in our actions and act rashly on impulse… I guess… Oh well…

I just finished reading some more of 1st Samuel.  Good stuff.  Two things struck me.  I read about how Samuel annointed Saul.  More stuff about ‘callings’.  Samuel told Saul that all these things would happen.  After all this happens then all this means that the Lord has called Saul to be a leader.  Then, Samuel says:

“Once these things are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you.” 
1st Samuel, 10:7

This was neat, cause, I felt like once this calling has been realized, one now has the right and will to do any and/or all things that are for the glory of the Lord.  God won’t necesarilly spell out what one needs to do for Him, but, will give them room to experiment and carry out his or her own way of worship and praise for the Lord… and thru that, become a leader for the people and for their Lord, and not be a puppet.  The Lord gave us free will to do whatever we please, but, this also applies to our callings.  He may call us to lead, or do something, but, He may not tell us how He’d like us to do it.  That is for us to decide.  This is neat.  That means, I have to be creative and on my toes when I do this prayer meeting.  I can’t just rely on God to supply me with all the answers and all the lessons or things I’m gonna talk about.  I’ll have to help myself and just trust in God that, thru my preparation, I will be successful.  Not without preparation though.  I must take the necessary steps to do well, and with the help of the Lord, I can glorify Him regardless of outcome, as long as it is focused on You, my God.  This made me happy, and helped me realize my calling and what I’m going to face, and how, You, Lord, will be there with me always, always supporting me even if I fall on my face.  But, if it is focused on You, You will use it in a constructive way regardless of my own failure.  Awesome.  I’m excited.

A second thing that I got out of tonights QT was just a simple line.  Saul was being made fun of.  4 words. 

“But Saul kept silent.” 
1st Samuel 10:27

I cannot keep silent that easily.  Sometimes I talk too much.  Lord, I just pray that You help me speak with my silence.  That is all.   That I may learn to listen more.  Yeah, sometimes, I just need to shut up.  That’s pretty much it.  If I am silent more, I can let my actions speak for me.  Perfect.  Things are getting so much more clearer.  It all makes sense now… How great.  These QT’s are so good.  Well, not much to say about taht passage.  Saul was silent even though he was being made fun of.  He knew better.  He knew that the Lord was with him and that it didn’t matter what these brutes had to say.  God, that is strength.  That is trust.  I pray that I may have strength like that, and be able to trust You and have faith in You.  SO that I may not fall prey to unrighteous behavior and words.  Lord.  Strengthen me.  May I become a unbeatable fortress.  Silent and true.  Speaking truth only when necesary, and leading by example, as just a light of Your word.  I light of Your word.  Light doesn’t speak.  It just shines.  May I just shine Lord.  And thru that light, speak truth.  Lord.  May I do just that.  Lord, tonight has been good.  Just getting in Your word helps me all the time.  Brings back everything into prespective.  May I continue to focus on You Lord.  and Your Love as well.  I will see You tomorrow Lord.  Sunday, and I’m going back to my first church ever.  Nassau.  It should be a strange reunion…

On another note, I dropped my cellphone again, and cracked my front glass thingy… It gives it much character, but, im sad…  :(