The Rest is History

Today, I woke up around 830… And I thought to myself, do i really wanna goto Church today…  I asked God, “do i have to…?  do you really want me there this morning…?”… 

Project: XANGA

I had gotten to bed late, and I just wasn’t feeling in the mood.  I fell asleep.  and then, something, just jolted me awake at 1043 and i was looked up at my ceiling, cause thats where my clock is anyways, and i was like… uh… damn. i ahve 15 min to get there… and i just sat up and said to myself… “i can still make it”.  I got out of bed, jumped into some clothes, combed my hair, grabbed my ipod, and was out.  this morning was kinda dreary… i guess any normal morning in downtown ATL, but i didn’t mind.  getting to the corner of the street before going do north ave i guess, i was like… im not gonna make it in time, why dont’ i just turn back now and go get some more sleep…. but i kept walking… and i think something happened… i think He slowed down time for me or something…  I made it all the way there and just as i got to the crosswalk across the street from the church, the 11 oclock bell rung out and the doors closed… i walked across the street and i was thinking… perfect timing, they close the doors on me… i sort of felt not welcome, closed from the outside…  just another bum… but i walked up those steps and headed in.  I sat down in the 2nd to last row, since the last row was taken, and just plopped down, put my ipod on the chair, with my keys and started to listen… not many people were in my row, and i immediately thought about offering…  i always do.  Its one of those phobias i guess people have, about when offering is passed around and man, i didn’mt have my wallet with me at all, and iwas like,…. shit.  i mean, im wasn’t planning on giving anything to this church in the first place, cause i got a church back home, but its just the thought i suppose.  but, the row filled up so i could more… i geuss, blend in… sort of… i dunno how it worked.  The sermon was very good. and at two key points that just hit me. and hit me hard.  it made my noise tingle and my eyes water, and i swear, i didn’t wanna cry, but the tears filled my eyes and i was almost there….  the first time was when he was talking about our relationships… and how was search for ‘justification’…. how sometimes things dont work out and how it leaves that sick feeling between two people… i just thought of wendy, and how things were turning out…  we are different people.  but we make up for a lot of commonality and respect for eachother.  when i get her on the phone, like last night, she’s a very calm person.  i love her for those moments where she’s a totally different person.  but she’s a wild and free spirit more often than naught and she’s beyond control sometimes… but lately, ive come to realize that people can be different and still work things out… im more willing to try now.  i don’t mind the hardships so much… i know that there will be some, and if it doesn’t work out, we can both take something from it.  but… at the moment the pastor talked about justification, i realized that was what i was looking for… a reason to be involved with her… a reason to extend my heart to her… to be open to her…  and i realized that i could, even though we were different.  and that realization that she doesn’t have to be everything i dreamed of yet i could still love her as a person, was a very emotional thing for me.  i understood that differences can come between two people, yet, the interest in eachother can be strong.  it doesnt matter so much anymore… i used to htink that they had to have some sort of parameters and meet some expectations… but with her, i didn’t really have any in the beginning… i never knew that i would even get to be with her, or even have the chance to do anything with her…  i knew we were two different people, and i continue to acknowledge that more and more, but thats fine… im willing to risk the chance of heart ache in order to find out more about myself.  its a risk worth taking and im gonna give it a shot.  wats the point of not doing it anyway…?  the other point that the pastor made a little later was more along the lines of the love that Jesus has for us… that we dont’ have to prove anything… we are all sinners and He died for us…. and we know that…  i just thought about myself and i know that He knows that I’m not perfect… im so far from it, that it hurts me…  it hurts me so deep and it brought tears to my eyes and it’s doing it now that i just wanna cry.  emotion.  the pastor said that tears are one of the most genuine emotions… and i heard that and i got all misty and whatnot…  its true.  when i cry its genuine… unadulterated emotion that goes beyond understanding sometimes… and its not like i love crying… but its so true… its truth… without words… those tears have so much weight in them, they could pull the entire world down with them…  the sermon was pretty good.  i never had really concentrated on one before, but my eyes never left the pastor… i was transfixed, and i wanted to hear everything he had to say…  im so glad i went this morning….  after the sermon and all was said and done, i went to the lunch that they offer after each service… and besides, college students eat for free… i was standing in line… alone… cause you know, i don’t know anyone anyway… i just put on my earphones and tuned out… i thought about leaving, but nah… i was hungry… i got my meal and walked around for a moment… i didn’t know where to sit… i didn’t know anyone… i eventually sat down on the last table with another girl and guy…. i said something along the lines of… “mind if i sit here…” but i dunno if they heard me… i sat down, said a prayer and dug in… after i realized after a couple min that they had no interest in talking to me, i put on my headphones again and tuned out… i didn’t care…  the food was pretty good… they left a couple min later, and again… i was alone, the whole entire table to myself… i always think i look so damn stupid sometimes… and that was one of them… but this old lady comes up and puts her tray down… and another old man… and they say hi, and i introduce myself… but i see that the only reason that they are going to eat there is because the next table over is full with people they know and that their new 1month old granddaughter is there, adn they wanna be in viewing distance of her…  and im like… watever… they sit their trays down and go over to look at the baby, and i just sit there for a moment and am like…. i gotta get the phuck out of here… and i finish my meal as fast as i could… i dunno if anyone finished their strawberry shortcake as fast as i did, but man, i swallowed that motherphucker as fast as i could… it was pretty good too… and i got up, music on, and put my tray away and walked out… toward the sanctuary again… and i looked in… and then i walked out the double doors… i stopped at the top stair and just looked out over the rest of the city…  the day was beautiful… i thank God for it…  the sun was shining brightly, the breeze was healthy and fulfilling, and it was perfect… i stretched my arms out and looked at the sky…  and i couldn’t have been more happy.  i wouldn’t have minded standing there forever… just taking it all in… and i began to walk… i have NEVER felt so fulfilled from a church service ever…. i just left and i felt like i could take on the world… He gave me so much strength this morning… it is unbelievable… nothing could stop me… i was perfectly happy… perfect.  nothing was gonna bother me.  yes, i would have problems in my life, but it wouldn’t be a big deal… i was so happy i got up this morning.  Thank you so much Lord, for giving me the strength to get up.  I don’t know what i would have done without this… this kind of therapy…  and i just thought… i wanna get back and jot all this down… sometimes… i think i live life a journal entry at a time…  i always think of stuff i wanna write down… that i never wanna forget… that i wanna be able to read later in life and see what i went thru… and i just wanted to get back and write down how happy i am.  but i took it easy… i walked slowly, just feeling the breeze against my body, cooling me down to equilibrium from the beautiful sun… it was a perfect day… and nothing was going to damper this feeling… but of course…  life, like anything else, tries to test you and i got one… i stopped, just before 75 i guess, before the Varsity at the light, and out comes this homeless guy from KFC and he’s holding 8 quarters in his hand… and he asks me something, which of course, i don’t hear initially, but i take off my headphones and he asks… “do you have 2 dollar bills for these 8 quarters…?” and of course, i think.. well, no i don’t, cause i dont’ have my wallet… but i say “no sir, i do not”… and he gives me this look and turns his back and says  “Why do you have the make life so goddamn hard…”  and that hit me like a punch to the face… i just watched him turn and i couldn’t get what he said out of my head… i saw that the crosswalk said go, but i couldn’t move at first… i just slowly turned and put my earphones back on and crossed the street.  all those happy feelings i had before had just disappeared… temporarily, but they were gone… and i said to myself… “why… do i make life so goddamn hard…?”… why?  why…  and i thought yeah.. i do that… i make it harder than it actually is… it isn’t so bad… and i just cleared my head of it all and walked on… besides, i was in a happy mood, and what that man said couldn’t bother me… i said a prayer for that man as i walked away… I asked God to be with him, even if that man doesnt’ recognize or care about God.  I know the Lord will be with that man, and i was conforted by this.  and i walked on… and i felt great.  i thought about that service and the emotions it gave me… i wanted to share them with everyone… and the first person i thought about was wendy… she’s not exacly the church type going person… but, maybe… just maybe i could get her to go sometime.  im not sure how open she is to it… i know she believes in some higher power…. but… man, if everyone had my feelings at that moment.. the world would be such a happy place… i dunno if wendy wants to know the Lord, but damn, she could use His comfort…  its just so hard… to talk about You Lord…  Im sorry, but it is.  i feel like im on trial everytime i mention your name… and Im not as strong as i should be when it comes to You…  if i were truly Your follower, i would have no trouble proclaiming my faith… but im not Lord… help me… please.  I try…  I’m trying.  please be with me Lord. I know you will be…. …  I walked back to my dorm and just sat down to type… benji was back, and he told me he had to goto the emergency room last night because of his stomach aches from his disease… Chrones disease is it?  he said it was so painful.. and i could imagine…  I’ve had body wrenching pain before… and i could relate… He seems alright now, but I’ll pray for him…  now… what… what to do now?  what else…  Well, lets see, wendy took me out of this Tech hellhole for a spin in her accord and damn, she’s a fast driver… which… i guess isn’t so bad, as long as she’s careful, but i found myself with my gut in my throat a couple times… she says… why drive slow?  its boring and you get no rush… hell, what can i say to that…?  maybe…. just be more careful?… i hope she realizes how much people care for her and that its not worth it to drive so recklessly sometimes…  i care for her… i just want her to be good to her body and be mindful that she should protect it as much as she can.  its worth so much, and its the only one that she’ll ever get… driving fast isnt’ going to help…  we drove around and went nowhere in particular.  it was good to be with her.  we hopped back to her place on west and i sent myself a lot of her pictures over AIM…  she’s got the greatest smile… it just lights the room up…  simply amazing… ive fallen in love with her smile and her lips…  its simply amazing…  i spent last night by myself… she had to go work that night and i was feeling sort of in the mood to go out to the library, cause lamda was throwing a party there… but i dind’t feel in the mood… i called wendy and we talked for a couple hours… that was good.  im glad we can talk and i realized how much of a different person she is when we can just talk about life and the experiences we’ve had… she changes… which is fine.  she has so many different facets to her… sometimes very different… and im not out to change her. she is who she is and im am who i am… but we can learn from eachother… and im thankful for her.  she has taught me, already, a great deal about myself…  when i talk to her, truth and reason and watever else, comes out of me that i didn’t know i had or was… i talk about myself and realize that what i talk about is true… sort of like self-realization but wiht someone else… the strangest way, but it works…  and i let her get some sleep. and i went to bed… fully realizing that i wouldn’t want to get up the next morning…  after burning 8 cd’s for petakun, i was done for the night and headed to sleep heaven…  and i woke up and the rest, is of course, history…