Here’s the truth: We can’t do life alone and we certainly need other people and their support as we pursue the goals and dreams that have been put into our hearts and souls – you know, the things that you were born to do.
And I hear about these dreams, goals, projects, businesses, and life missions all the time as I accelerate people; what’s fascinating to see is that the people I coach usually have everything they need to successfully accomplish them – the problem is that they have too many relationships that are toxic to their momentum and progress forward. The have the tools but too many of the wrong relationships.
Here’s what I mean: There are well-meaning and well-intentioned people in your own personal network who have created a toxic relationship. This is a fine line to balance so hear me clearly that the idea is to not attack their character but rather the relational dynamic that’s been created. In other words, the person isn’t necessarily bad, but the situation certainly is.
These people are toxic to our progress, toxic to our happiness, toxic to our mental outlook, our self-esteem, and even our other relationships. Some studies have shown that they will even shorten the length of your life!
You probably are intuitively aware of who these people are but here are some ways to practically identify toxic relationships (and people):
- These people slow your momentum or completely stop it.
- These people constantly critique or challenge your dreams negatively – they do not add native and practical value to your life. They are “Debbie Downers.”
- These people provide no explicit and pragmatic energy, excitement, or support of your projects, businesses, and even life mission. They may verbally support from a distance but are not in the trenches with you.
- These people constantly ask for help but rarely ever give anything in return. They suck your emotional, psychological, and even physical resources for their own needs (and they may not even be emotionally aware enough to see it). They are manipulative and you spend a lot of time “managing” them, talking about them with other people, and trying to “fix” it without success.
- These people may posture themselves as being wildly confident and sure individuals when they are actually incredibly insecure – and you (and everyone else) knows it. They are insincere, inauthentic, judgmental, and disrespectful.
- These people are not open to change, healthy dialogue, or critique about their own projects, businesses, mission, or dreams – it is difficult to have a real conversation and relationship with them.
- These people are often offended easily when challenged, take things very personally, and may even demonize those that challenge. They are narcissistic.
- These people may be an “emotional rollercoaster” – with wide mood swings, deep threats then apologies, with quick “kiss and makeup” tactics.
- These people impact your other relationships negatively – you may have even heard from your other friends, family, and relationships that these people are toxic and that you should leave them. You end up defending them or justifying their actions for them.
Sound familiar? It seems that nearly everyone that I encounter has experienced or is currently experiencing a toxic relationship. The question is why?
The reasons could be as varied as the people I meet but generally they fall into a couple of buckets:
- History – You’ve just been “friends” for such a long time that the historical length of the relationship is the only thing keeping it together.
- Change – Something significant has changed in you life or their life and one or both of you have been unable to manage the change well.
- Dominance – One person in the party is intrinsically more reserved or soft-spoken and ends up being what my mom always called “The Rug” – getting stepped on and trampled by a more dominant and demanding personality.
- Immaturity – One of the people have not been able to mature past significant benchmarks in personal development, such as graduating college over 10 years ago but still acting like a college student in the way they conduct themselves, behave, and take responsibility.
- Medical – One of the people does, in fact, have a medical condition that disables them from typical social norms or social graces, but has been unwilling to get treatment or help that stabilizes their relationships without destroying them.
- Control – One of the people is intentionally keeping the other back, because of their own insecurity, jealousy, or fear of losing the relationship – the result is a manifestation of control. One typical example is one party gets married while the other now feels the pressure or shame of still being single.
There are many more categories but these are some of the more typical ones that seem to crop up time and time again.
What To Do:
Ultimately you’re going to have to intentionally make a decision to engage the toxic relationship head-on and engaging with the person explicitly. This will be an incredible challenge so it’s ok to get some help, either personally or professionally (from certified counselors).
Here’s the sad but inescapable truth: These people generally will not be able to fix the issue from their end and their behavior will continue without you taking the first step in fixing the situation. The more it continues to happen the more it will continue and studies have shown that as people get older the impact will become greater on you as well. It’s now or never, literally.
Here are some suggestions to help you move forward with the relationship and begin a process of boundary-setting that allows you to grow and thrive:
- Accept the fact that the relationship is toxic. Boot yourself out of denial. Take responsibility as you are part of the system that’s been created. You have, to certain degrees, allowed this to happen.
- Talk with others frankly about it. Get opinions that matter. Take them to heart and write them down.
- Affirm with yourself the positive things about this person. Give them grace because they are not perfect.
- List out all of the challenges that you have with the person, how they practically impact your life negatively.
- Identify explicitly the value of fixing the situation. Use phrases like “What would life be like if…” – begin seeing an alternate and more positive reality.
- Set explicit boundaries. Get help and advice from counselors or other close relationships.
- Engage with the person directly in a spirit of humility and love as best as you possibly can. They are not an enemy of yours but rather someone who needs help, just as you do, with this relationship. Enlist support via a third party if you feel you can’t do it alone. Share what you’ve written down and hope for the best. There’s no telling how they will react but you’re responsible for your own actions, not their reaction.
- Share these new boundaries with the person. This is not a conversation piece or up for debate. These are your boundaries. Then, get accountability from others after the confrontation to help keep the boundaries up.
- If it is necessary to completely dislodge yourself from the relationship completely expect to experience a period of grieving. This is normal and human. Seek counseling and support.
- Stay positive – life is too short and healing will come, in time.
None of this is easy – but it requires you to take the first step for yourself and for them. Good luck – your dreams are worth it. Don’t let toxic relationships keep you from changing the world.
Also published on Medium.