Whole Entry to Me

This is from Jin’s site.  She dedicated a whole entry to me… and the convo I had with her…  How interesting…


Sipping on : a jumbo cup of green tea with honey

I can’t sleep, i can’t work, i can’t concentrate on anything.. my mind’s filled with thoughts of him. Am i really volatile? am i really bitter? do i tend to shut people out? can’t i just never open up to people? god.. so many questions, but no answers. i am once again, trapped in a little corner . there are so many things about me that bothers me, i feel like i’m suffocating within myself, to a point where i can’t even breathe.

when i really ask myself, what do i really have? all i have are 178 pair of shoes and a buncha failed relationships… can’t i ever make it right?

Long time ago, i fell in love with this guy. he was everything i’ve ever wanted, i really put everything i had into our relationship, we shared so much, after almost years, just when i felt this relationship just might go somewhere, he left…… he left without saying anything.. couple of months later, his brother called me to see how i was doing.. and told me that he married his ex. isn’t life just one big fat joke? I closed my heart since then. i had some relationships after that, but none of them worked, perhaps the guys weren’t the problem, perhaps i was. he really did took away the best of me , that’s why i feel so out of love. I turned into this angry, bitter person, at times i feel like i don’t even know myself.

But earlier this week, i was talking with someone, what he said really made me think, i’m starting to look at my life from a entirely different persepective now.. and it hit me.. maybe it’s time that i stop being so angry and bitter. 

you’ve opened my eyes, and you’re right , i need to have faith. thank you, really.

I think i’m starting to believe now.. that my life… is beautiful

Well, Lord, its another one…  Just give me strength.  I know what to do now.

Here’s a convo I had before I talked with Brandi…

XxtonicxX (12:03:12 AM): hi
XxtonicxX (12:04:41 AM): how was SAC?
jleekun (12:05:13 AM): good good.
XxtonicxX (12:05:19 AM): good times yet?
XxtonicxX (12:05:59 AM): nm. i don’t know what i just said
jleekun (12:06:41 AM): …?
jleekun (12:06:42 AM): eh.
XxtonicxX (12:06:53 AM): im practing raving right now
jleekun (12:07:37 AM): haha
jleekun (12:07:38 AM): really?
XxtonicxX (12:07:46 AM): yea
XxtonicxX (12:08:08 AM): ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
XxtonicxX (12:08:10 AM): shit
jleekun (12:08:56 AM): …
XxtonicxX (12:09:19 AM): i just tried that 90 thingy u did
XxtonicxX (12:09:29 AM): i almost broke my hand.. i got my feet up.. but it won’t turn.. =X
jleekun (12:10:02 AM): …
jleekun (12:10:04 AM): haha.
jleekun (12:10:09 AM): you gotta twist girl…
XxtonicxX (12:10:40 AM): i tried. it’s not easy. plus no one here to teach me *ahem*
XxtonicxX (12:11:53 AM): mo hae
jleekun (12:12:51 AM): …
jleekun (12:12:56 AM): talking to you.
jleekun (12:12:59 AM): ill teach you.
jleekun (12:13:00 AM): :-)
XxtonicxX (12:13:09 AM): u’re so quiet tonight
jleekun (12:14:27 AM): im reflective….
jleekun (12:14:29 AM): thats all…
jleekun (12:14:34 AM): and thinkinga bout stuff that im dealing wiht.
XxtonicxX (12:15:10 AM): care to share?
jleekun (12:16:35 AM): eh…
XxtonicxX (12:18:06 AM): i mean. would you like to talk about it
jleekun (12:18:31 AM): i would.
jleekun (12:18:32 AM): but…
jleekun (12:18:37 AM): eh…
jleekun (12:18:41 AM): this is strange.
XxtonicxX (12:18:49 AM): how so
XxtonicxX (12:19:05 AM): someone u’ve never met would be safest person to talk to sometimes don’t cha think? =)
jleekun (12:19:47 AM): let me be rather …
jleekun (12:19:48 AM): shall we say.
jleekun (12:19:53 AM): straightforward with you.
XxtonicxX (12:20:23 AM): ok
XxtonicxX (12:23:50 AM): ?

jleekun (12:24:44 AM): im not sure where this relationship of ours is going. and this may sound very strange coming from me, but It’s better to be honest than just play silly games.  I’m attracted to you.  Plain and simple, but, I don’t know if I wanna get emotionally involved with you unless we are on the same page and all.  If you don’t agree with this or don’t understand any of this, then, thats fine.  My will is to follow what God’s will is.  Thats hard to cope with sometimes, but I’m trying.  So, to put this in simple terms…  I don’t feel that we’ve known eachother long enough or well enough for me to start pouring out my heart to you and all about my problems and what not.

jleekun (12:25:16 AM): I just know that God has a plan and that I must trust in Him for that kinda stuff.
jleekun (12:25:20 AM): relationships are hard… and what not.
jleekun (12:25:22 AM): but…
jleekun (12:25:26 AM): I’m open to them.
jleekun (12:25:29 AM): at least…
jleekun (12:25:30 AM): :-)
jleekun (12:25:47 AM): and uh, ill talk to you later. I have to sit down and talk to God about some stuff…  I really need to talk to Him.
jleekun (12:25:55 AM): so… I’ll catch you later girl.
XxtonicxX (12:25:56 AM): wait
jleekun (12:25:57 AM): have a great night.
XxtonicxX (12:25:57 AM): john.
XxtonicxX (12:26:04 AM): don’t go
XxtonicxX (12:26:19 AM): hey come on
jleekun (12:26:26 AM): eh?
XxtonicxX (12:26:43 AM): please, just listen to me for a minute

XxtonicxX (12:27:23 AM): i don’t expect you to pour your heart out to me about your problems, but i do want to let you know that  I AM always here to listen if you ever want to talk about anything

XxtonicxX (12:27:46 AM): i know we haven’t known each other for long, but that doesn’t mean i won’t listen or take anything you say lightly
XxtonicxX (12:28:05 AM): i agree, relationships are hard, but i guess everything has to start somewhere right?
XxtonicxX (12:28:34 AM): i am extremely flattered that you are attracted to me, maybe you don’t think we’re on the same page, but you never know.. you never asked me have you?
jleekun (12:28:43 AM): I just did.
jleekun (12:28:46 AM): you don’t have to answer though.
jleekun (12:28:52 AM): your not obligated to anything.
XxtonicxX (12:28:54 AM): i didn’t say no did i ?  =)
XxtonicxX (12:29:02 AM): i know i’m not obligated to anything
jleekun (12:29:17 AM): no, but i know that you are a very… it seems… volatile person.
jleekun (12:29:21 AM): so. i have to be careful.
XxtonicxX (12:29:37 AM): john, if there isn’t at least a bit of attraction, i would never go for a drive just because of what a guy said
XxtonicxX (12:30:03 AM): i’m sorry that i am that way, life toughened me up, so sometimes i’m really bitter
jleekun (12:30:18 AM): thats fine.
XxtonicxX (12:30:24 AM): but do take time and get to know me. there are a lot of me that you haven’t discover yet.. and i believe vice versa
jleekun (12:30:40 AM): yes.
jleekun (12:30:47 AM): I put my trust in the Lord.
XxtonicxX (12:30:55 AM): im trying to put my trust in him
XxtonicxX (12:31:05 AM): but, i don’t think i can do it without you..
XxtonicxX (12:31:11 AM): so… what do you say?
jleekun (12:31:19 AM): yes.
jleekun (12:31:24 AM): we can help eachother…
jleekun (12:31:28 AM): its hard i know…  Hey… I really, REALLY need to talk to God…
jleekun (12:31:33 AM): and He’s waiting…
jleekun (12:31:38 AM): and He’s a jealous God…
jleekun (12:31:40 AM): so… uh…
XxtonicxX (12:31:43 AM): alright.. do your thing.. but i’ll be waiting
jleekun (12:31:46 AM): I really need to talk to Him.
jleekun (12:31:47 AM): ok.
XxtonicxX (12:31:49 AM): for a good while. ’til u come back
jleekun (12:31:49 AM): thankx.
jleekun (12:31:58 AM): ttyl girl.
XxtonicxX (12:32:03 AM): do come back to me john
jleekun (12:32:04 AM): be productive.
XxtonicxX (12:32:08 AM): have a good talk =)
jleekun (12:32:11 AM): hehe.
jleekun (12:32:12 AM): okok.
jleekun (12:32:13 AM): later.
XxtonicxX (12:32:19 AM): i’ll be here

Auto response from jleekun (12:32:19 AM): oUt… … …  call cell.

See…!  I’m being straight forward with the communication part…


I can do it… But… whatever…